Wednesday, October 22, 2008

From the Deep. . . into the Edge then Back Again

I went out to venture into the deep end to get myself out of the world inside my mind. The journey took me to places that really scared the shit out of me, but made me confront the forces haunting the dark corners of the inner world.

The trip back brought me to the EDGE. I then decided to step out into the Abyss, just to let things finally go and take the natural and logical end. Yet, the light of the PROMISE cast bright colors into the Abyss. I lost the motivation to take the step into darkness. I was given courage to take hold of the light given by the PROMISE.

I will in no way cast pain on my PROMISE because he is all I have got. And he is my and my Lords delight.

Back from the edge, I slowly crawled to get my bearings on the top of the reality the rest of humanity calls life. I knew off hand of tasks that had to be done and finished. The strength and energy to carry my share of the load, took quite some time to come.

When I was just about to get ready to move, I met one of my sentinels who asked me to do something some time back. This sentinel got so infuriated at me, I was asked to go on and jump off the edge & into the abyss. This was an act so unexpected from a sentinel. For sure there are reasons for that. But what ever that is, it is an excuse. Because for us who travel this path, sentinels are our only hope of ever getting back.

This time, I will have no need of one.

The pain I went through was hard to bear, but I had to endure this nightmare. I have become stronger and more determined to move on with my travels. To remind me of the pain this sentinel inflicted on me . . . I burned my self at the tip of forgetting.

So now, I move on.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

My Two Worlds

I somehow live in two worlds. Both are so different from each other, yet so real to me. I just realized this recently. Moving in and out of each to be in the other has taken a toll on me. I have wasted so much time.

Yet, I really do not know how to stay in only one instead of both. I am completely aware that only one world is visible to those who know me - the Other World, while the other one - the Mind World- only exists inside my head.

The Mind World helps me survive the times I am in deep pain, yet I feel I have to leave this world behind. The comforts this world offers me only serve to make my situation worse.

But the pain I go through in the Other World is so unbearable for me.

The existence of these two different worlds seems to perpetuate the condition I am in. I have to make a choice now, even if it really hurts.

Friday, August 22, 2008

To Stand . . . then Walk

The effort needed to rise up after a fall is full of pain. Staying down seems better than getting up. Exerting effort to rise up again takes time, and sometimes one lacks the needed strength to rise and keep standing. Staying down becomes THE comfortable choice.

To rise up and stand means to take the next logical step - to move and walk. To get engaged with the world around. Which can be really scary.

Feeling so alone can make a person choose to stay down. To stand up and face the world again can be full of pain. Loneliness magnifies the pain and makes wounds heal longer, if ever it heals.

You may say that these are just excuses. These are NOT! These are real causes why a lot of people choose to stay down.

To summon the strength to stand up and walk is in itself a triumph of the human will. A testament of a persons determination to stare life in the eye and the courage of the spirit within to withstand the storms of life.

Life is about falling and standing up just one more time, learning to walk, then run and perhaps fly. I can dream of soaring up high in the clouds, or running with the wind, or just taking a leisurely walk at a beach at the evening of my life. At that time each bright star in the dark sky will celebrate every moment I decided to rise up, stand and choose to take that step again.

. . . .and it won't matter if I'm alone.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

To Stand . . . again

I have been in the dumps before. Always have. Every year the same thing happens. I was hoping this year would be different. Sadly, no. The only consolation I have now, is my awareness and determination to stand up once again. Plus the realization to plan better and look way ahead.

This blog is about me coping with Bipolar Disorder and how the disorder affects me so much. I know I have to change my point of view about my life by changing how I think about my life and the presence of Bipolar Disorder.

I have passed by the abbys already. I have reached the edge of the opposite banks. Once again I find myself crawling on my knees, weak and struggling, finding it hard to summon the strength to stand up. But I know, this time, I will stand up and walk . . . . and then do what I have not done before . . . RUN WITH THE WIND . . . and FLY to realize my dreams.

Life is too short to be spent in the dumps. Each day to precious to waste ruminating on the past. Each moment so fleeting to be wasted on regrets.

I shall create moments of Joy and Laughter with every breath. Then so shall my life be a CELEBRATION!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Super Duper Dumpster

i have not blogged for so long. i was on an extended manic mode. i got involved in nice projects. i really enjoyed working. then suddenly - BANG. i'm right smack on a very deep depression now.

i find it so hard to work. i can't stay on the laptop long enough. i have been crying for so many nights now. i feel so anxious and scared. i really don't know why, but i feel so scared.

earlier this year i blogged about a map to get through episodes and accomplish things i wanted to do, and reach my goals. some where along the way, i lost the map, and lost myself too. i really do not know what to do now.

i will let this dark cloud pass over me. i just hope this darkness will move over soon. the longer it stays, the more tempting it is for me to move towards the dark.


Thursday, May 22, 2008

In the Dumps with Super Severe Head Pains.

It's been so long since I have written on this blog. I had been quite busy with my work. I was able to work out a routine that would take me on a journey to free me from my chains.

I had everything going for me. I was meeting my deadlines. I was achieving my goals. Life was never better.

Then . . . . I ended in the dumps again.

I have this sever head pain that has stopped me on my tracks. I can't find a way to work around this pain. It is just so painful, I have thought of just ending everything.

Right now, it seems to be the most logical thing to do. I don't want to have anything like this ever again. The only way to ensure that happens is for me to step out of this life and move on to the next.

NO MATTER WHAT! This pain is really unbearable now!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

On Cruise Control

I am HAPPY to declare that I have regained control of my life 80%. The only part of my life that needs to be moderated is spending. I am getting there.

I was able to land a VERY, as in VERY HUGE project. This project is my Graduation Marker - from hormone driven, wasting away loser - to someone who has full control of life choices and decision making.

This is just so awesome. I am still pondering on how to document this new project online.

I will be able to make a decision within the day about this project.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Bipolar Aha! Moment

I have been on a roll the past few weeks. I accomplished most of my work.

But right now, I have a major problem. Somethings wrong with my Laptops Operating System.
It won't boot up to show the Windows Desktop. A pop up comes out telling me that explorer.exe has a problem and a report needs to be sent to Microsoft so they will know. And then I'm left hanging.

To be able to use my laptop, I have to retrieve the task manager, so I can run an application by browsing to its folder and requesting the taskmanager to run the application. This way, I am able to open application I need to use.

This experience has taught me how to reach inside my brain when the usual OS does not work. All I have to do is reach into the taskmanager inside my head and request it to run the softwate I need for the moment, the next hour or the whole day.

This is really life changing for me. . . . a confirmation that my strategy of installing mental software and an Operating System that could carry these new software was the right thing to do.

I'll have to bring my laptop to a laptop shrink though. I need to be able to use this laptop the usual way.

I'll do that after I wake up.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Managing Bipolar Depression

I have learned how to manage BIPOLAR Depression. The past 3 weeks I have been going through a fairly strong depression, yet I am on track with my work and I am accomplishing my goals.

I have learned that sticking to an established routine helps a lot. The biggest boost I have had the last 3 weeks is learning how to divide huge blocks of work into manageable pieces and accomplishing each piece one at a time by focusing my thoughts in getting it done. Once done, the sense of accomplishment gives me an energy boost.

I have also learned to be careful with events and situations appearing out of nowhere that disrupt the flow of the established routine. These disruptions tend to mess up with the flow.

Finding a way to get back to the routine may seem quite hard at first. But, getting back on meeting set goals can help a lot.

Make sure Work goals and tasks and routines are written so there is always a reminder on what to do next.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Working & Depression

It is so hard to imagine working - productively - while going through an episode of BIPOLAR Depression. Honestly, the last 20 years of my life became a trial and error horror for me because of this.

The details of that can wait. What is important now is - How to be productive at work while going through BIPOLAR Depression.

Getting diagnosed is the most important step before one can manage working while going through BIPOLAR Depression. Accepting ones condition is the next step.

Getting over those two hurdles takes some time actually, and is actually no joke at all.

I got diagnosed 4 years ago. My condition cost me my marraige, and I kept moving from one job to another.

I now work for myself. Managing my Depression is therefore very important for me. Being productive is vital to my existence. If I don't work, won't get paid. I somehow lost more than a fair share of contract because I failed to manage my Depression.

This time, I have learned to take charge of my life and be productive even when I am depressed.

I slice my work into small chunks of do tasks. I attach time frames to these tasks. I see to it each task is broken down into two hour chunks. I give full concentration to the small task I need to complete. After completion of that small task I take a break. This break can last up to 3 hours. Then I tackle the next task on the list. I see to it I am able to do 3 to 4 tasks each 24 hour period.

In between tasks I insert mundane chores like desk cleaning or floor sweeping or checking of my email or expense recording. This way, I am still able to accomplish office maintenance work. During these breaks I either listen to music or watch news on TV. I also see to it I am AWAKE through out the break.

I avoid napping or just sitting down like these were infectious diseases. If I get bored, I resort to sketching or body stretching.

I get energized during the breaks. Which gives me momentum to continue on to the next task.

I did not have this system before. Now that I have installed this BIPOLAR Depression Work management plan, I am able to finish my work.

I hope to reap the benefits of this system 8 months from now.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Spending & Bipolar Depression

Bipolar Depression is triggered by runaway hormones. Responding to the sad feeling comes in different ways. The most common reaction is to stay home and wallow in self-pity and anger.

Another way of reacting is to contrive ways to feel good. This is where spending comes in. Usually this spending leads to binging on food, drinks and having a good time - in an effort to drive away the sadness and bad feelings.

But the sadness and bad feelings never go away. Instead, they stay and grow bigger.

I have been through this. I always end up losing all my money during these moments. Which leads me into debt. I end up borrowing money from any one. Nevertheless, I am able to borrow money and pay the money back. But it took me time to repay.

To avoid runaway spending I made a spending budget. The details in this budget are divided into monthly and weekly expenses. I also set aside a monthly savings goal.

My monthly budget cover utility payments, food & groceries and medical expenses. The weekly budget covers transportation, communications.

I know that there are other things I have to cover in my budget. I have not included them for now. I realize I need to keep my life as simple as possible.

I keep a detailed record of all my earnings and expenses and savings. I do this every evening.

I see to it my spending follows my budget. Not following the budget gives me feedback I am off track. Today, even the urge to spend outside my set budget serves as an automatic feedback to me something is wrong. Since I live alone, this mechanism gives me instant feedback about my mood status.

This may seem hard to overcome. But I realized the perception is far from the truth. Managing my financial situation is actually very easy.

I find it easy to manage my self now because of the goals I have set for myself. The desire to make these goals come true and live my dreams are more powerful than the grip BIPOLAR Disorder has had on my life.

Reaching this point in my life was not easy. I find myself in a much better place now than where I was before. In fact I can say with confidence now - I WILL BE WHERE I WANT TO BE!

What that is, is for me to keep and share later when I am there already. By the end of this year, I will be able to share to you the map. I am still in the process of verifying its accuracy.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Personal Finance and Bipolar Depression Management

This past week was really tough for me. I went through a minor Depression episode. Meaning, I felt weak and lethargic, I wanted to sleep all the time, keeping my concentration on work was very hard, and I had unexpalinable back pains.

Sticking to the routine I put in place got me through the week. Work was slow, nevertheless I got my work done.

Personal Finance is an area I need to work on next. I was able to stick to my budget, but the funds I had was a little bit short to get through the week.

The incoming week will be quite a challenge. I have 2 out of town trips and a very important dinner meeting to attend. I need to prepare for the trips and the meeting financially.

I still have to sit down and prepare my budget for next week. This will be challenging indeed.
Managing Bipolar Depression and Personal Finances are the two most challenging aspects in my life. I am now given the chance to deal with both together. The coming week will be a dry run on how I will manage Finances and Depression.

My life is one nice challenge after all.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Sleeping and Bipolar Depression

Sleeping and Bipolar Depression have very strong links. For me, feeling sleepy all the time and wanting to keep on sleeping is a sign of the onset of depression. When one spends a lot of time sleeping, the sense of accomplishment and achievement simply disappears. Uncontrolled sleep results in a lot of undone or unaccomplished chores and work, which leads the way to a downward spiral of negativism which expands depressive feelings.

Arresting this deep seated desire to keep on sleeping is very challenging. Bipolar Depression is in fact so hard get away from and carry around.

Experience has taught me to keep to my routine. I implement specific adjustments to my routine.

Usually I feel weak and my body is so heavy to carry around. So I tend to start my day slow. But I keep focusing my mind on getting something - no matter how small - done. From that small accomplishment I get a short REWARDING burst of Accomplishment I use to move on to the next chore.

I drive away that Drowsy dreamy feeling with a mug of Hot Coffee and quick exercise movements. I actually force myself to do this. Then I take a hot bath or shower.

This tactic took me quite some time to put together. Sticking to a routine and going through that routine is an important strategy.

Placing that sleepy feeling on stand by mode is very important. This allows me to get to work mode, allowing me to accomplish tasks I have set for the day. While working I listen to music that brings happy thoughts, keeping me awake. I also see to it my breathing is brought into my awareness. The rhythm breathing brings into conscious thought keeps me awake and in touch with the ideas in my head.

This process I am presenting now may seem hard. Installing it inside my head and using it for the past 4 weeks or so has brought wonders. Using the process is almost unconscious for me now.

Dealing with my Bipolar Depression in this manner has helped me gain more control over my life these days.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Depression Management

Getting DEPRESSED for no reason at all is part of being Bipolar.

I used to stay home and get paranoid, paralyzed by fear of sounds outside my house, accomplishing nothing at all. These episodes could take at least 3 days to 3 months. Life became one living hell for me. What I lost along the way has left deep scars inside me. But those scars have healed and here I am now, living life differently.

I am going through a minor depression now.

I feel tired, with unexplainable body pains all over. I get scared inside every time I hear sounds out side my house. To top it all, I don't feel like doing anything at all. Staring at the ceiling seems to be the best thing to do, with curtians drawn down to block the sunlight out.

This time though I have changed directions.

I see to it I get at least 8 hours of sleep and rest. Meaning I don't do anything at all, except close my eyes. I my mind starts to wander, I go into meditation mode - I count my breathing cycles, and focus my mind on the flow of air in and out my lungs.

Every time my mind wanders off, I bring it back to counting my breathe. Before long, I realize I am fully awake and had been asleep. When I wake up, I check how long I have been in bed. If my stay in bed is less than 8 hours, I keep my self in bed by going back to meditation mode.

When it is time to wake up, I "force" myself through the routine I have established.

  • yoga stretching and exercise
  • room cleaning
  • cooking my meal and enjoying it
  • bathing and personal care
  • then work

I see to it I eat 3 times every 24 hour period. It is important to realize a BIPOLAR persons daily cycle is much different from the normal persons cycle. For BIPOLARs Day and Night only means the availability of light and darkness. The energy to work and interact with other persons is not governed by the usual day and night concept of normal people.

Getting work done in a DEPRESSED Mode can be herculean. What I do is to cut down my work into small part, then I spread these parts into several time periods. Sometimes simple tasks would take me days to do. A clear example is doing a report that is at least 10 pages long.

This will take me a week to finish, with a lot of cramming in the last day with out management. I can finish this now in 3 days at most. The first day, I do my research and initial outline. Then on the second day I do a preliminary draft - half of it within the first 3 hours of starting, and the last half, towards the end of my day. I take a 3 to 4 hour rest in between. On the 4th day I review and evaluate what I had done. Sometimes I get this funny feeling my work is sloppy. I just let it be.

I actually feel it's better to have something than have nothing at all.

There are time when I need to get out of the house to attend client meetings, which usually take up 5 to 8 hours.

I prepare for these meetings the day before. I write down what I have to say and try to anticipate what will happen during the meeting. During the meeting, when things turn out different from what I have anticipated, I keep quiet and keep notes. When things turn out the way I foresee things, I join the discussions based on the script I have prepared.

This is so awkward I know. But when one is depressed, we either say something totally wrong or end up combative and so negative about what is being discussed.

So keeping notes and keeping track of what everyone is saying - using pen & paper - keeps me in the loop.

And part of Depression management is taking medication. I'll discuss depression medication in a later post.

Another aspect that needs full awareness during a DEPRESSION Episode is MONEY. Spending has this magical effect of lifting ones mood, achieving this seemingly artificial sense of happiness.

So when depression sets in, keep your money and ATM and Credit Cards away from you.

This is all for now.

Routines dampen Depression

Feeling bad and sad is one thing, getting Depressed is another. Today, I felt a bit slow and depressed. I had no reason at all to feel bad or sad. This gave me the opportunity to test my plan on how to minimize Bipolar Disorder induced Depression.

I actually slept late last night - almost 3 a.m. already. I make it a point to sleep or stay in bed for 8 hours straight. My phone rang 6 hours after I went to bed, I had to answer the call, but I stayed in bed for another 2 hours, just to make sure my body was properly rested.

Bipolar Depression gets worse when one is not properly rested. But the length of time to rest needs to be properly monitored. I made it a point to get out of bed after 8 hours of sleep and rest so I would be able to accomplish something for the day.

When I got out of bed, I had my exercise routine. I still had a hard time stretching my back and lower legs and tendons. The needle like pain in my lower legs and tendons were a bit bearable now. I was sweating profusely in the middle of my first set. This time I was able to do 2 sets.

After a spartan breakfast, I focused on getting my work done - which was actually very minimal. Then I spent the rest of the day evaluating my finances and my work flow.

I am more stable now compared to last year. I can control my depression and therefore I can get things done. The rest of the day went through just fine. I have 2 new possible projects in the horizon.

From my experience, it is important to establish a routine and to set a flow of things that need to be done for the day. Following this flow gives me control over my moods and structure allows me to get things done.

I have used this strategy for only a few days, I still do not know how to use it in the event my creative abilities are impaired. I have a plan though. So I am looking forward to the incoming STUCK UP episode so I can see if my plan will work.

I will start working on the BIPOLAR Pinoy blog tomorrow.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Better Style

I changed the look of this blog. Part of the reaching out plan.

I do hope the redesign will make posts reader friendly. I didn't take a snapshot of the old lay out. Part of leaving the past and moving on to the future.

I will also be starting another blog about Bipolar Disorder - as an illness - to be a parallel blog to this online journal.

Both blogs will complement each other.

Letting others know: Managing Bipolar Disorder

Today I set my sights to share how a Filipino is managing Bipolar Disorder.

I started blogging in 2004 to keep an electronic diary of my moods and what not. After a cursory review of where I have been and what I have been doing with my life and what I intend to do, I realize this blog can be a tool to reach out to other people, to share to them how I have managed Bipolar Disorder in my life.

But how do I bring the rest of the world to this Filipino Bipolar Blog?

The answer to that question is not easy. I have a lot of learning to do aside from writing about my life and everything else that is happening around me.

I have to learn how to optimise this blog so search engines can place this Filipino Bipolar Blog on the first page. I also would like to see this blog make it to the top 500 Filipino blogs for 2008, and at the same time earn money for me.

I see this realization as a reasonable outcome from what I have been doing since the start of this year. I have been spending at least 2 hours each day blogging, and 3 hours reading other blogs.

So the book I plan to write will take shape through this blog.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Managing Life and Writing a Book

Our lives are lived one day at a time. What you do with each day adds up quickly to determine how you live your life.

I have known the statements above for quite a long time now. In fact, it seems I have known them since I was a kid. So I tried to make make my life conform to my goals and ambitions. Funny things was, no one told me I had this brain disorder called Manic-Depression, and that some how, this disorder was actually controlling my whole life, without me or any one else out here knowing.

It took 37 years of my life before I got diagnosed. After so many errors and a lot of deep wounds and scars. I now live alone and I strive to support my self, and manage my life on my own.

The last 3 weeks of my life has been about getting hold of my life, and gaining control. It has been a hard three weeks. Very hard actually. But I know I am on my way to regaining control.

These are the first few steps I took to regain control of my life:
1. Accept the reality of the disorders' presence.
2. Learn as much as possible about the disorder
3. Inform people about the presence of the disorder in you

As I moved on with my life, I realized there were still other things I had to do to regain control of my life. This realization came to me just a few months ago, around 4 years after I got diagnosed.

These were the additional steps I realized I had to take to regain control of my life:
1. Always step back and see life from a "better" stand point.
2. I have a choice over my emotions and mental state, even if my feelings are out of whack.
3. How others view me and their opinions about me is not me. I know who I am and what I can be.
4. Stick to a time and finance budget. Even if I have to become a control freak
5. Keep a record of each day.

All of these may seem so complicated and hard to do. But that's just how it is to be able to manage a Bipolar Life.

All of these realizations have encouraged me to put my whole life in writing. And that's what I will do. Writing a book about my life will be a major project I will undertake this year.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Yoga Stretch! Nice and refreshing...

I started my exercise routine today. I chose YOGA STRETCHING to loosen up my back. I had a hard time doing the routine on the right known as Adho Mukha Svanasana. I grabbed the photo on the right from a blog of an Overseas Filipino Worker based in Singapore.
I had a very hard time keeping the soles of my fee flat on the floor. I will work on this slowly. Hopefully in a few weeks I will be able to restore suppleness in my body.
I'm new to YOGA, so I have to do a lot of research about this discipline on the net. I chose YOGA due to its meditative nature, and the benefecial effect of restoring balance in the body. I hope to be able to reap the benefits from YOGA.
This is just the start. I spent around 10 minutes doing the routine, yet I sweat profusely and I felt my whole back loosen up and relax, as if I had my back massaged for an hour.
It took me quite some time to reach this way point on my mental map.



I'm in the doldrums. Moving, but not getting anywhere. I didn't prepare for this situation. I have to devise a way out. Until know, I don't have the fiantest idea how.

I am in PROCRASTINATION MODE. I have not done anything for the last 4 days, except sleep, eat, watch tv, surf the net, and mope.

My immediate solution is to listen to all my U2 mp3's. Somehow, I have this feeling I'll get a kick somewhere inside me. I can choose to play Vertigo again & again & again.....

I am also in deconstruction mode. I am in the process of trying to identify the triggers behind this procratination. I do hope to find the triggers in a couple of days. When those triggers are found I can install mental software to diffuse them when our paths cross.

Hehehe. . . . . seems like a tall order at the moment.

But I really have to learn how to diffuse those triggers, so I can start moving towards my destination in this interesting journey.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Bipolar Disorder is like a Coin - it has Two Sides

BIPOLAR Disorder has two inextricably linked manifestations - Mania and Depression. Both the extreme end of the other. One has to recognize the presence of a continuum that exists between both.

I have lived with these extremes. The days I spend between these poles are brief passages of time, compared to the weeks and months I live in the poles of this disorder imposed on me.

I hope to be able to describe to you later what it is to live inside the spectrum of this disorder.

4 weeks ago, during the Holidays, I spent time to read the book written by Garret Loporto The Da Vinci Method. Loporto presents within the pages of the book a tantalizing promise to those who are ADD/ADHD and Bipolars. He posits in the book the theory that Leonardo Da Vinci's genius resides within those who are afflicted with ADD/ADHD and Bipolar Disorder. The book is an easy read and is inspiring at best. Loporto focuses on the Energetic manifestation or mania of the "artist". He emphasizes in the book that this large store of energy can be harnessed towards higher levels of achievement in life. Levels of success comparable to those successful men he lists as present day Da Vinci's. Those who are unable to harness this energy are labeled as "neurotic artists". All they have to do is to apply the method he presents in the book.

Towards the end of the book Loporto reveals that the absence of a method is the method itself.

What the book fails to reveal and present is the nightmare the "neurotic artist" goes through when the other side - depression - dominates. The book is silent on how to deal with the depression and paranoia the "artist" goes through.

The absence of this very vital detail may be intentional or part of the revelation - the absence of a method is THE method. The book gives false hopes to those who suffer the conditions Bipolar Disorder imposes on a person.

The book offers a glimmer of hope since the reader is taught how to harness ones Manic Phase. But is sorely lacking on how to deal with the other extreme.

I have made it my purpose to fill this gap, so Depression - no matter how extreme - can be managed.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Out of the Abyss!

At last I have crossed the abyss. I have reached a ledge from where I can stand and start exploring this new and interesting terrain ahead of me. The land unfolds before me on each small step I take. I see nothing ahead of me. The map I have inside my head provides me with directions and signpost indicating where I am in this new territory.
In a few days I hope to reach my first major destination. I still do not know what this place is. It is only shown in the map I have inside my head. I can only tell you about this place when I get there. I am confident I will get there. Not because I know the way, but because the map I have inside my head serves as an accurate guide.
I am a little bit manic now. The difference this time is I can channel my manic energies and guide its flow into constructive and productive pursuits. I am in control of my mania. Before, my mania was controlling me. Now I am harnessing the energy my mania releases everytime it comes.
I am aware of the hidden dangers threatening my journey. These dangers may not be shown on the map in my possession. Yet I have installed contextual mental software to deal with this unknowns.
I may seem strange right now. In time I will be able to reveal what I am experiencing now. That time is almost near.
When that time comes, everything will be very clear and my journey will be interesting. When I get to my first destination, I can start sharing how I got hold of the map.
I will share my journey with you, when I am halfway to my destination.
Do take time to visit this blog.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

On the Road!

I will be starting a Training series on Urban Planning today in Digos City. I still have no idea how many participants will attend this first session. I am estimating at most 7 people. This is a comfortable number for me.

I have reached the other side of the abyss. I have waited, the opportunity has come. It is now time to put to the test the Mental Operating System I have installed and the new set of mental software that I have acquired.

I know these tools will need fine tuning. So the coming days will be very exciting for me.

So just watch and learn.... I will be documenting everything I will be going through in this blog.

By the way, I have not taken my mood stabilizer - Lamictal - for a week now.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Isn't it So Unfair....

I just read a news report on the net that the American Food and Drug Administration found out that Epilepsy Drugs may increase the risk of suicidal thoughts and behavior. Two drugs mentioned in the study were Tegretol and Depakote. I had been on these drugs for a time.

I still clearly remember how I felt when I was on these drugs. I was taking these during my manic pariods. I had to shift to other drugs since they were wreaking havoc on my mind and my actions. I still remember turning violent one time when I was on Depakote. Tegretol brought me to the Edge of suicide one time. What stopped me was the thought of my son.

I find this report timely, and the drug companies so unfair. I really do not know how many people with Bipolar Disorder out there have been prescribed by their doctors with these drugs. It is a well known fact that people with Bipolar Disorder have suicidal tendencies. These drugs only serve to intensify the desire.

I hope doctors will stop prescribing anti-seizure or epilepsy drugs to those who have Bipolar Disorder. I hope doctors in the Philippines stop prescribing these drugs.

Those who have Bipolar Disorder should demand from their doctors the same.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Almost at the other side .....

January has come to an end. I spent the first two weeks of the month on vacation in my home place in Dumaguete City. During the holidays I took time to read two books - The Da Vinci Method by Garret La Porto and Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament by Kay Redfield Jamison. These two books had a very profound impact on my understanding about my bipolar disorder. During the time I spent on vacation, I shifted my life paradigm based on what I learned from both books and what I have experienced dealing with this disorder. I can sense my paradigm shift is beginning to pay off. I just can't write about it now.

During the break, I also decided to strike off a few clients of mine who I realized was just taking me for a ride. They were succeeding on their projects at my expense. I decided to pursue my own path and start my own journey to success.

When I came back to Davao City, I did just that. I returned clients documents and started out on my own.

This Saturday I start with my own training workshop on Environmental Planning a.k.a Urban Planning in Digos City, Davao del Sur, and hopefully a housing project or two in the Davao del Sur area.

I have prepared for these projects mentally. I know deep inside I can move ahead on my own initiative.

Time is on my side. I only have to wait for things to fall in place. There is no need to rush. I am prepared for this already.

Feruary will be a fabulous month for me.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

In between .... Travels and Projects

My life is such that I have to travel to be able to get projects. Yesterday, I went to the Municipality of Matanao in the province of Davao del Sur. It took me approximately 2 hours and 30 minutes to get there.

There is a possibility of starting a housing project in Matanao, and also doing a workshop on Urban Planning in the Davao del Sur area.

I am leaving the groundwork to a friend for these two projects. The idea of doing the project is from me. My friend will be doing the initial negotiations for the housing project. He will also take charge of recruiting participants to the workshop - 5 so far; and setting up the venue.

I have already prepared the content of the workshop and the financial and work plan for the housing project.

We hope to start the workshop with an orientation this Saturday, and then meet every Saturday there after for the next 12 Saturdays.

The housing project negotiations could take some time. Maybe a month or two.

I will not rush things. . . . . . I will wait for everything to fall in place.

This is how things are when I am between Travelling and projects.

It's time to just feel the breeze and relax.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

On the Road

I will be leaving for my first out of town trip for the year. I will be going to Matanao, Davao del Sur to arrange a series of trainings with local planning officers of Davao del Sur and hopefully to start a housing project.

I will be travelling alone.

I find this trip significant since I will be alone and will try to regain my self from an unexplainable deep seated fear of travelling alone last year.

I had a short paranoia attack yesterday afternoon. It was a short one since I grabbed hold of my thoughts and convinced myself that what was going on in my mind was nothing at all. But I really broke into a cold sweat.

This disorder is really hard. It's your own brain working against you. If one is unaware of the presence of this ugly beast inside, anything can happen.

This awareness makes my trip today significant. I will be travelling alone, and I know that everything is not what my brain perceives.

I really have a powerful Operating System installed in my brain now, with some really nice and savvy software.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Up and Manic... again!

I am still awake, and it's past mid-night. I conditioned myself to sleep before 10p.m. every night for the last 3 weeks. Tonight I blew it. I watched TV after dinner while waiting for my Masseur. He didn't arrive. It was raining at around 9p.m. Then I lost track of time. I got focused on the TV.

I also overslept today. I was planning to go to church, but woke up at around 11a.m already. Ate a late brekfast, then went back to bed, then woke up late in the afternoon to cut the grass in the front yard. Cleaning the yard was exhilirating. Seeing the place trimmed and cut after 30 minutes of grass cutting made me feel nice inside. I rewarded myself with a mug of coffee, and sat at the terrace to watch neighbors pass by.

I am ready for the upcoming work this week. I have enough work in my hands. I'll be going to Matanao, Davao del Sur to check up on a housing project tomorro till Tuesday, then I'll be going back on Saturday for a training orientation and a meeting for another housing project.

This coming week will start off my work for 2008. It's already past mid-January. It's alright with me. I'm on schedule.

I just have some checking to do with my mental map and software. I need to tweak a bit my Mental Operating System so my software gets in sync with my map. This may sound so vague and egregious for you. I will find time to explain this mumbo jumbo within a week. PROMISE.

I know I am moving towards mania. Within a month or less this can turn into a full blown manic episode. I am actually looking forward that so I can test my software. So take time to watch this blog.

I will be posting at least 4 times a week to chronicle this new journey of mine.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Getting set . . . to GO!

I arrived from my vacation at dawn today. That was one nice vacation. I'll keep the details to myself why that vacation was a nice one. I just hope the results of what happened during my vacation will slowly unwrap in the next few months. Hopefully by the middle of this year I will be able to explain in detail what happened to me during the last three weeks I was away on vacation.

When I arrived, I decided to clean my bedroom and my refrigerator. I will clean the rest of the house tomorrow. I have a bundle of clothes to wash. I realize that cleaning is such a Spiritual Exercise. It's like cleaning your subconsious of grime and dust and cobwebs.

I also bought food today. Healthy, fresh, envigorating food. No more preserved foodstuff in cans and pouches. This way I can feed my body with nourishing nutrients.

I mya have started working this year a bit late. January's almost over, and I still have no projects committed for the next months. I just have a collectibles out there. So I have to hang in tight and find a way to start my next project.

This coming week will indeed be a challenge for me.

I have installed my Monitors. I had a paranoia attack around mid-day today. I dispensed with it by telling myself there were more important things to achieve than being scared about something that's not really there at all.

I also noticed that I have this energetic feeling now. I am aware I have to be careful with this energy. My monitors kept warning me to keep myself on the level.

All of these used to take out my strength. Now, I feel much better and in charge! Really! There are many more things I look forward to trying in the next few days.

Life is getting fun. . . . . . and I am READY TO RUN!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

On the Starting Block.... again!

Well, I have been here before. So there's no reason for me to feel uncomfortable. In fact I am so familiar with this feeling, my brain seems to like it. (I have this funny feeling inside that this is the reason why I always end up stuck....., so I can go back to start).

I have negotiated with myself to finish what I am starting now. (I can't explain yet how negotiating with your self is done.) So the end result of this process will show whether the negotiations succeeded or not.

I'll be going back to Davao in a few days. I still have less than a hand full of days left here in Dumaguete. Ample time to get my new gears going. What ever these new gears are and will be still remains to be seen.

I actually have a lot of stuff to put in writing. I need to put them here. So just wait for the next installments.

As an overview, these are:
1. Installing New Mental Maps
2. Acquiring New Mental Sotware
3. Upgrading my Brains Operating System.

Ain't that list interesting?

These are the reasons why I'm on the Starting Block again.

Till next post.... take care.

Plus I'll share with you my take on a couple of books I read ove the holidays. These books are awesome.