Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Standing Up... with hope against this Madness

I am on the go again, after that very disconcerting episode with depression.

I am trying to normalize my life. I hope this long holiday will give me the opportunity to imprint a new mental map and habits that I can use to minimize or all together eliminate the impact of depression in my life.

I am aware that I have a lot of work to do in this aspect.

I actually don't care how much work it will take. I will prevail upon this madness that has taken control of my life.

So far, I have finished one major task I listed to do.

I still have more ahead of me, but the most imortant one that I have to undertake is an assessment of myself, so I can properly plot out a strategy to mitigate the impact of my Depressive Phase.

I find this part exciting. I hope to be ready with this "management plan" by New Year.

No, it won' definitely be a set of New Year's Resolutions. It will be the unMethod to the madness that has gripped and characterized my whole life so far.

I have no other option but to succeed.... because I must, and should succeed.

Saturday, December 22, 2007


I am in Cagayan de Oro City now. I'm on my way home. So far so good. I feel a bit better.

I still have a little tinge of paranoia inside me.... but it is not that strong anymore. Some how, I am well aware that the paranoia inside me is just driven by my runaway hormones.

I have settled inside me already the debate between nature and mind over matter. When it comes to hormones that run the brain, the brain is no match..... I would like to find out how to teach the brain to work around hormone driven influences.

This may be the key to helping a lot of others who suffer the same conditions I go through. Looking for that solution will not be easy..... and I can always give it a try.

Going on a Holiday

I will be going on a holiday for the next 3 to 4 weeks.

I hope to be able to install a new pattern of habits and mental maps inside my head.

I still have to work out the details.

I will be traveling alone by bus and boat for the next 36 hours to visit my parents.

I hope that by the time I get back to working mode in the New Year, I will be able to install and use the new patterns and mental maps.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Moving on

I am at starting the uphill climb out of my depression. It was such a deep, yet short one. Short but it was so damned BAD. I almost went over the edge.

This climb will be quite steep and hard. No problem though. I have the long holidays up ahead.

I will be on vacation mode for 3 to 4 weeks.

I had a long talk with my doctor yesterday. I shared to her my insights about my condition and my awareness that there is very scant knowledge about BIPOLAR DISORDER in the Philippines. I am very sure - 100% - that there are others out there who suffer the same way as I do and are not aware about their condition.

I really know that they and the ones whol care and love them are going through a very hard time trying to understand and consider things. With out awareness, only God can help them.... which they could lose after a while. It will take large doses of FAITH and TRUST in God to survive the disorder.

I have decided to speak out and tell others about this disorder. I hope and pray I will be given the chance to tell others about it and educate as many as I can.

.... so I can keep moving on and reach my goals.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Really so messed up

I am so messed up. I have been living like a hermit for almost three weeks now.

i am scared to go out of the house. I am afraid of people passing by my house. My mind keeps on with this internal dialogue of failure and quitting and SUICIDE.

I know that this is driven by my hormones. But I just don't have the strength to stop what's going on inside my head. My head aches like crazy. I actually feel like killing myself right now.

This is really a bad time for this to happen. It's Christmas. It's supposed to be a happy time. I really do not know what's going on inside this head of mine.

I don't know how to get out of this rut. I really hope 2008 will be a better year for me. This year was really nuts for me. So nuts, I'm half way to the nut house just right now.

Is there any one out there who can help me and take me out of this ratty brain of mine?
If there is, then please lend me a hand.

..... i might just snap and let GO.

Friday, November 30, 2007


I know that I am in the middle of a downward spiral now. My depression is getting in the way of my work. I feel so down, I can't work, I can't concentrate, my brain seems to be in deep freeze.

I have sudden rushes of focused attention - like right now- but they don't last that long.
I have to find a way to make these focused moments last, or come as often. But how?

Any way, I am determined to hold on and not give up. Life is an adventure worth my while....

Besides... there are so many wonderful things out there waiting for me....

I just have to adjust my "sails" to the wind.

By the way, I didn't get in too deep with BRAIN WAVE ENTRAINMENT. Just didn't have the time.

I'm really thinking of trying that out in the coming days.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

in the dumps AGAIN!

I'm down in the dumps again. I really do not understand why. But, I just can't get myself to get things done.

I have this very heavy feeling over my head, and then there is this pain inside my head that feels like stings....

I really have no idea why this is happening. I have so much work to do, and I'm tired of this.

I don't really know now what to do. I was hoping I would be able to get over this very, very, very bad feeling.

Honestly, I'm just about to give up now.....

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Letting Go

I have been trying to understand what triggers my bouts with depression. Until today I have not found a way to understand it. I had all the time to do the thinking and remembering since we are having a very long holiday - the barangay elections and the All Saints Day.

Other people would find what I had been doing quite strange. I know that there are others who will understand. For me, it does not really matter. After all, this is my life.

What ever triggers my bouts with depression is something I have also decided not to delve on anymore.

I need to take control of my thoughts, emotions and actions. After all, I have the mind to tell me that I am heading towards depression, so I have to do something to get out of the rut.

I did a lot of research on the internet about getting out of depression and I found a whole lot of help on the net. I have decided to experiment in BRAIN WAVE ENTRAINMENT. I hope this will work.

If you want to know what BRAIN WAVE ENTRAINMENT is all about, you can google it and follow the links. I was able to get some resources on the internet. One good site is The site has brainwave entrainment session to reduce depression.

Another tool I downloaded is the Silva Mind Centering Exercise. You can go to their website and download a free mp3 on how to calm your mind.

With the help of these tools, I hope to be able to take my life back from my Bipolar Condition. Taking medications has helped me. But I believe it is not enough. I need to have more control over my life. Not my condition taking control over me.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Hard Rowing

I know I'm headed towards Depression Alley. . . . and I'm heading there fast.

I have to Row as hard as I can to get myself out of that trouble spot. I do hope I will be able to get out of this. Getting into a depression can be a very nasty experience. I still have a lot of work to do. The coming week long vacation will be helpful. I just have to steer clear of drinking and staying out late at night.

This vacation will give me the opportunity to slowly paddle my way back to where waves of energy and strength can be found.

Friday, October 26, 2007

In the Doldrums

No matter how hard I try, I can't get myself out of this rut. I have been stuck in here for 3 days now.

The last 6 weeks were a flurry of travel and new projects. This week, I had to stay home to sit down and make project write ups. I just got stuck. I have a hard time focusing on tasks at hand. My attention span is so short, 5 minutes would be considered long enough already.

I am keeping myself a little bit on track by working around 3 minute chunks of time. Stringing together ideas and sentences bit by bit until I can manage to put together a decent paragraph.

My breaks could stretch to 30 minutes to an hour. I'll try to shorten my breaks to 15 minutes, and stretch my work time to 5 then 7 minutes until I could reach 15 minute chunks.

When I achieve 1 hour work blocks, I can reward myself with 30 minute breaks. I have to do this REALLY!

Putting this in writing on this blog is really hard for me now. I just hope blogging it will put me back on track.... or else, I could be out in the cold before I know it.

I will not allow that to happen. I will try hard to finish my work. I still have 4 projects to finish.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007


Just got back from an out of town trip to support a client who is opeing up a housing project - the first onw in the municipality. The results were great. The trip was spectacular. Plus the fact that a new project has been opened up for me.

Question - Is this just a case of a MANIC STREAK taking me places? I really don't know.

So far so good. The wave I'm on is really taking me places now.

I will be writing an article for a column that will be published in two days, and I will be presiding over a meeting of the Davao City Shelter Code Technical Working Group.

This is one great wave. Really!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Drowsy and Droopy

I am having a very hard time staying awake. But I really have to because I have so many things to finish this week.

H E L P!!!!!

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

On the Wall

I feel like I hit a wall real hard. Suddenly I feel so rotten deep inside. I have been taking my meds.

It probably is the beer - Red Horse and San Mig Light I have been drinking the past 3 nights. I'll abstain from drinking for a while.....

I have controlled by coffee intake. I'm now down to 3 to 5 cups a day.

My head no longer hurts. It's my back that's really aching now. My nape sometimes tenses up. I can feel the muscles snap.

Ahhhhrghhhh! Anyway, I'm still on my wave.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

The Wave

The wave I am on is getting bigger and bigger each day. Gaining power and speed. I am being taken for a ride like no other. Projects are coming in each week. Each project bigger and better than the one before.

Now, I have in the Pipeline a 51 hectare Planned Residential Unit Development Tibungco, Davao City. Another project is a 2 hectare housing project in Maragusan and another 6 hectare project in Digos.

I will be writing my column at Mindanao Times for Thursday. So many things to do. So exciting.

I know that this wave I am on will be my key to setting up my nest egg for the future..... I just have to surf the wave right.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

No need for sleep!!!! ?????

I have been wanting to get some sleep. The last 5 hours just went by so fast. I could close my eyes and lie in the dark. Yet, thoughts keep creeping into my mind. The kind of thoughts that keep me awake.

This time, the thoughts were - my new project, my new downloads, my column for Wednesday, my client meeting tomorrow, my out of town trip towards the end of the week, collectibles from clients, and so many more.

I tried to keep them locked in the dark. Yet, these thoughts pushed their way into my consciousness and would not let me be.

So here I am, typing away. I can actually keep on going, but that would be boring.

I'll just end up here for now. I'll put those thoughts in writing some other time.

By the way, I can here the birds singing and the cocks crowing outside.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Riding the Wave

After getting into dead calm waters, I am now riding a wave. This wave can take me crashing into the rocks of great despair.

Surfing this wave will need all the experience I have accumulated through the years. My actions will show wether I have become wise.

So much reflection and meditation will be needed to bring out the important lessons life has taught me, I I am to survive this wave.

Riding the Wave

After getting into dead calm waters, I am now riding a wave. This wave can take me crashing into the rocks of great despair. . . . . . if I allow it to.

This wave gives me the opportunity to find out if I have learned my lessons from experience.

I am taking a new drug - Abilify - with the ususal mood stabilizer - Lamictal. I actually feel great today. I know that a part of this feeling is drug induced. I look forward to the day when I would no longer need any drug. . . . . . . to feel alright. Taking meds on a daily basis gets on my nerves sometimes. The feeling of having no choice at all on this aspect of my life leaves a funny feeling on the surface of my skin.

Anyway, I love this wave.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Getting There

When I was told by the psychiatrist who went over my psychological exam that I had Manic - Depression, I really didn't understand what she meant by that. After listening to her explanation, I could hardly believe what she was saying.
It took me quite some time to accept the prsence of this disorder. I felt helpless - if I accepted it, and powerless, if I didn't.
Helpless because the disorder could not be healed by medication or any form of medical intervention.
Powerless because the I had unknowingly been gripped by the disorder for so long.
What kept me up all the time was the understanding that Me and my behavior or actions were two different entities (this is a bit hard to explain, but I hope you get the drift.)
After accepting my condition, I decided to tell people I work with and friends around me about Manic - Depression or Bipolar Disorder. Their reaction were all the same - a questioning look - "Is there such a thing as that?" followed by - "I will pray for you!" and "Use your mind and will to fight your sickness!"
Convincing them to accept the presence of Bipolar disorder is a bit tricky. Thanking them for their offer to pray for me is a bit touching. Accepting and doing their suggestion to use my mind and will to fight the disorder is really something else.
Some people I know go to great lengths to convince me to stop taking my medication. They tell me "Taking medicine daily is bad" for my health. Instead, they present or offer to sell me at a discounted price this or that food supplement.
I kindly thank them for their concern.

Yet deep inside, I still yearn for that period of time where I will be completely free from the grip of this dysfunction.

Enter Meditation.

Studies have shown that periodic meditation, over time, can alter the structure of the brain. Could this be "the" key to being able to free myself from this disorder.

Will I ever get to THAT condition where I will be free. I hope I will get there. Within my life time. So I can do what I have been wanting to, without medication, without getting stuck, without losing myself in a maze.

I really hope to get there. I believe meditation or deep, personal prayer will get me there.... soon.

Back on line

I have emerged from my cocoon. Hopefully my metamorphosis this time around takes me to where I want to be...... hopefully.

The last 8 months or so was full of twists and turns. Through all the colors and shades of the rainbow, to the bright lights and through the deep darkness.

I now have an internet connection at home. No mean feat.

My dreams are slowly taking shape. I just hope I can keep holding on...... through all the twists and turns.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Another 360 Days Ahead

On the first day of 2006, I decided to take my medication daily.

I missed on some days, but I made sure that I had meds all the time, and made it a point to see my Doc regularly. Everything really worked out very well.

For the next 360 days, I will attempt to grab hold of my brain and make sure that I am the one managing my head and not my head managing me.

Hopefully, I'll be able to keep you posted through this blog.