Tanking out............. again

I really don't know what happened to all those days. Suddenly it's Christmas and the year is about to end. All I have with me.... again are UNfinished projects.

My mind has tanked otu again. I find it so hard to focus on something.
Every time I sit down to do something my mind just goes blank and then nothing. The whole day just passes by.

I also have this ache ... pain.... what in my head. It's like a swooshing sound or a low hum that has decided to stay inside my head. It has been there since October.

I hope ELECTROSHOCK THERAPY WILL TAKE IT AWAY.

I'm actually tired of this whole thing already.

Research... research..... research

I do hope that ECT will be done this way:
........ and not this way.
I still need to learn a lot of things about ECT before making that trip. I hope Electro Boy will help me along the way.

I am really very tired already of this disorder that's running my life, I want to get rid of this NOW.
I know that its not possible to make it go away tomorrow, next week or nest month. But I am hoping to find a way to reclaim my life from this disorder.
It will not be easy, but I know I will....
...because if I won't, then I better jump off that ledge out there.

I hope to restart my column with Mindanao Times this week. The column that I write is also posted on earthbeat.blogspot.com. My weekly posts will be an indicator of my mental well being.

INTO THE FRINGE

I met my SHRINK last week. I told her about my recurring pain in the head and the ineffectivity of my medicine. She gave me a new one - Zyprexa. She said that this was the last drug on the list of mitigating measures to rein in my disorder. This drug is quite expensive for my means. P250 per 10mg tab. I am using it now, at 2.5 mg per day, slowly titrating it to 5 mg up to who knows what dose level it could go. So far, not so good.

It acts like a tranquilizer. I am really down in the morning. Down as in douwn and out. No sensible thoughts comes out of my head. I have to rethink everything I have to say. As if each word that frames a thought is a 50 pound brick that I have to lift and move into position just to make a sentence. Once the heaviness melts into the heat of the day, I become manic... and in the evening I come crashing down. Then my next drugged dose comes in, end of the day.

During my session with my PSYCHIATRIST, she told me that if this drug does not work, she would recommend me undergoing ECT or ELECTRO CONVULSIVE THERAPY.

I asked if this was the last option left on the table. She said that it was. I asked if this was proven to have beneficial effects. She said that Depressive persons showed very positive response towards the treatment.

I told her that I would like to have a go at it.

My decision to undergo ECT is final. I will be having the treatment towards the end of January 2006. This treatment will take me to the fringe of what I call, MY JOURNEY INTO MY DISORDER. The picture of a Nebula at the start of this blog is a fitting picture of how far my disorder has gone to disrupt my life. I am willing to go further to see to it that I regain control over my life.

From now on, this blog will serve as a record of my life. Before ECT and after ECT.

So in the coming days, you will be reading about my life before ECT. Way back into my memory banks. I will log those memories that I want to keep.

So keep on watching this blog.... as it grows.

Here ..... again

Important update: I got enrolled. I borowed money from my parents who arrived to visit me.

My Father needed his Cataracts removed. He chose to have it done here in Davao.

I have had not collected any thing from my clients and debtors that last 6 weeks. The effect of being out of circulation starting middle of October.

I'm trying hard to get my self out of this rut. But hardly.... ever. I think I'm stuck in here... until my hormones know when.

I started writing a column in Mindanao Times. My write ups came out... until I conked out in the rut of my roller coaster ride.

I have to wrap things up in the next 10 days. I need to be able to collect from my clients.
To do that, I have to complete a couple of projects.

I'll keep you posted on how things develop.

Honestly, I feel like the creature pictured above. Really.

Now what?!

Today was the last day of enrollment at UP Mindanao. I needed to pay P7,000 to get enrolled.

I tried to raise the amount, but nada. My plan of finishing my Urban and Regional Planning Course by April of 2006 will not push through. I still have 12 hours to look for the amount.

I really do not know what tomorrow will bring.

I still have P60,000 in collectibles from various clients out there. But no one seems to have the ability to pay.]

Is some one playing a joke on me.

Oh, Really. I'm tired of these jokes.

After so long, I got myself to come back and do a little writing.

I got hit bad by my swings starting late September until now. It's really hitting me so bad. I have to commute this past few days because driving puts pedestrians in possible danger from me.

My hand - eye coordination is so bad, I might hist someone or something on the road.

I'll try to write a much better blog tommorrow. I just wanted to restart this blog today.

back from the cold

it's been some time since i wrote something here.
i've had a life or what ever is left of it.
been "busy" pretending to be busy.

this time i think i'm in the dumps. feel like really going away this time.... for good.
no turning back.

but i feel so scared of hurting JED. he is all that I have now.

many things have happened, yet I'm just running so hard to stay in place.

i really do not know where i will be next week, or how i;ll ever get to where i want to go.

Blogging like crazy.... or what

I seem to be bloging like crazy. I have a post every day. Ashot at trying to recap my day and put into the ether of the net what happened with me the preceding 24 hours.

Right now I am in another iCafe. Jed is having his Moo Duk Kwan parctice in the floor above. He will be done in 2 hours or so. I have nothing else to do, so here I am. Blogging.

I set up another blog. lithiumblue.blogspot.com. I will try to encapsulate in that sphere what I think about what's going on & what I have learned from my class in Urban & Regional Planning.

I feel a bit weird. I will be meeting Bim later. She will pick up Jed after the Moo Duk Kwan session.

Alone on her Bday

Today is Bim's 33rd Bday.
I had a hard time getting up early today. I felt so alone this morning.

I got out of the bamboo sofa at around 3:30p.m. to clean my shoes that I had left soaking in the tub last night. Then I transferred the Poinsettias to pots that I bought 2 weeks ago. The poinsettia's had been in Limbo for a year already.

I went to Bim's at around 6p.m. today, instead of early in the morning. I brought her a dozen red roses (she didn't seem to care at all). Then we went to the new JO's Chicken House here in Davao. The Chicken was not that good. But the interior design was very splendid.

I'm having a hard time getting up and starting my day. I really don't understand why. It's such an ardous task for me. If only...... I could get out of this. Then maybe my whole life would have been a lot more different than what it is now.

After this, I go home to an empty house. No one to talk to, no one to fight with. Simply Alone.
I wonder what the neighbors will think if I start shouting at myself ;-)!

My wife (Bim) moved out of our house last April 18, and last May 1, transferred to a house near our son, Jed's, school. She has had a hard time dealing with my disorder.

I was diagnosed with BIPOLAR Disorder last October 2003. The disorder, left undiagnosed for years, destroyed my simple dream of having a family to go home to till I die. But that's another story, in another post somehow.

testing.... testing.... testing

i am new to blogging. so i't testing this new way of keeping a diary.

i know that blogs have been around for a long time and diary's used to be personal records.

so i am trying to publish personal rcords for everyone to read.

A start

I keep a note book diary. This will be my online diary. I hope to update this diary every other day, if my schedule permits it.

A twice weekly update will be the minimum.