Wednesday, October 22, 2008

From the Deep. . . into the Edge then Back Again

I went out to venture into the deep end to get myself out of the world inside my mind. The journey took me to places that really scared the shit out of me, but made me confront the forces haunting the dark corners of the inner world.

The trip back brought me to the EDGE. I then decided to step out into the Abyss, just to let things finally go and take the natural and logical end. Yet, the light of the PROMISE cast bright colors into the Abyss. I lost the motivation to take the step into darkness. I was given courage to take hold of the light given by the PROMISE.

I will in no way cast pain on my PROMISE because he is all I have got. And he is my and my Lords delight.

Back from the edge, I slowly crawled to get my bearings on the top of the reality the rest of humanity calls life. I knew off hand of tasks that had to be done and finished. The strength and energy to carry my share of the load, took quite some time to come.

When I was just about to get ready to move, I met one of my sentinels who asked me to do something some time back. This sentinel got so infuriated at me, I was asked to go on and jump off the edge & into the abyss. This was an act so unexpected from a sentinel. For sure there are reasons for that. But what ever that is, it is an excuse. Because for us who travel this path, sentinels are our only hope of ever getting back.

This time, I will have no need of one.

The pain I went through was hard to bear, but I had to endure this nightmare. I have become stronger and more determined to move on with my travels. To remind me of the pain this sentinel inflicted on me . . . I burned my self at the tip of forgetting.

So now, I move on.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

My Two Worlds

I somehow live in two worlds. Both are so different from each other, yet so real to me. I just realized this recently. Moving in and out of each to be in the other has taken a toll on me. I have wasted so much time.

Yet, I really do not know how to stay in only one instead of both. I am completely aware that only one world is visible to those who know me - the Other World, while the other one - the Mind World- only exists inside my head.

The Mind World helps me survive the times I am in deep pain, yet I feel I have to leave this world behind. The comforts this world offers me only serve to make my situation worse.

But the pain I go through in the Other World is so unbearable for me.

The existence of these two different worlds seems to perpetuate the condition I am in. I have to make a choice now, even if it really hurts.

Friday, August 22, 2008

To Stand . . . then Walk

The effort needed to rise up after a fall is full of pain. Staying down seems better than getting up. Exerting effort to rise up again takes time, and sometimes one lacks the needed strength to rise and keep standing. Staying down becomes THE comfortable choice.

To rise up and stand means to take the next logical step - to move and walk. To get engaged with the world around. Which can be really scary.

Feeling so alone can make a person choose to stay down. To stand up and face the world again can be full of pain. Loneliness magnifies the pain and makes wounds heal longer, if ever it heals.

You may say that these are just excuses. These are NOT! These are real causes why a lot of people choose to stay down.

To summon the strength to stand up and walk is in itself a triumph of the human will. A testament of a persons determination to stare life in the eye and the courage of the spirit within to withstand the storms of life.

Life is about falling and standing up just one more time, learning to walk, then run and perhaps fly. I can dream of soaring up high in the clouds, or running with the wind, or just taking a leisurely walk at a beach at the evening of my life. At that time each bright star in the dark sky will celebrate every moment I decided to rise up, stand and choose to take that step again.

. . . .and it won't matter if I'm alone.