Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Standing Up... with hope against this Madness

I am on the go again, after that very disconcerting episode with depression.

I am trying to normalize my life. I hope this long holiday will give me the opportunity to imprint a new mental map and habits that I can use to minimize or all together eliminate the impact of depression in my life.

I am aware that I have a lot of work to do in this aspect.

I actually don't care how much work it will take. I will prevail upon this madness that has taken control of my life.

So far, I have finished one major task I listed to do.

I still have more ahead of me, but the most imortant one that I have to undertake is an assessment of myself, so I can properly plot out a strategy to mitigate the impact of my Depressive Phase.

I find this part exciting. I hope to be ready with this "management plan" by New Year.

No, it won' definitely be a set of New Year's Resolutions. It will be the unMethod to the madness that has gripped and characterized my whole life so far.

I have no other option but to succeed.... because I must, and should succeed.

Saturday, December 22, 2007


I am in Cagayan de Oro City now. I'm on my way home. So far so good. I feel a bit better.

I still have a little tinge of paranoia inside me.... but it is not that strong anymore. Some how, I am well aware that the paranoia inside me is just driven by my runaway hormones.

I have settled inside me already the debate between nature and mind over matter. When it comes to hormones that run the brain, the brain is no match..... I would like to find out how to teach the brain to work around hormone driven influences.

This may be the key to helping a lot of others who suffer the same conditions I go through. Looking for that solution will not be easy..... and I can always give it a try.

Going on a Holiday

I will be going on a holiday for the next 3 to 4 weeks.

I hope to be able to install a new pattern of habits and mental maps inside my head.

I still have to work out the details.

I will be traveling alone by bus and boat for the next 36 hours to visit my parents.

I hope that by the time I get back to working mode in the New Year, I will be able to install and use the new patterns and mental maps.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Moving on

I am at starting the uphill climb out of my depression. It was such a deep, yet short one. Short but it was so damned BAD. I almost went over the edge.

This climb will be quite steep and hard. No problem though. I have the long holidays up ahead.

I will be on vacation mode for 3 to 4 weeks.

I had a long talk with my doctor yesterday. I shared to her my insights about my condition and my awareness that there is very scant knowledge about BIPOLAR DISORDER in the Philippines. I am very sure - 100% - that there are others out there who suffer the same way as I do and are not aware about their condition.

I really know that they and the ones whol care and love them are going through a very hard time trying to understand and consider things. With out awareness, only God can help them.... which they could lose after a while. It will take large doses of FAITH and TRUST in God to survive the disorder.

I have decided to speak out and tell others about this disorder. I hope and pray I will be given the chance to tell others about it and educate as many as I can.

.... so I can keep moving on and reach my goals.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Really so messed up

I am so messed up. I have been living like a hermit for almost three weeks now.

i am scared to go out of the house. I am afraid of people passing by my house. My mind keeps on with this internal dialogue of failure and quitting and SUICIDE.

I know that this is driven by my hormones. But I just don't have the strength to stop what's going on inside my head. My head aches like crazy. I actually feel like killing myself right now.

This is really a bad time for this to happen. It's Christmas. It's supposed to be a happy time. I really do not know what's going on inside this head of mine.

I don't know how to get out of this rut. I really hope 2008 will be a better year for me. This year was really nuts for me. So nuts, I'm half way to the nut house just right now.

Is there any one out there who can help me and take me out of this ratty brain of mine?
If there is, then please lend me a hand.

..... i might just snap and let GO.