Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Tanking out............. again

I really don't know what happened to all those days. Suddenly it's Christmas and the year is about to end. All I have with me.... again are UNfinished projects.

My mind has tanked otu again. I find it so hard to focus on something.
Every time I sit down to do something my mind just goes blank and then nothing. The whole day just passes by.

I also have this ache ... pain.... what in my head. It's like a swooshing sound or a low hum that has decided to stay inside my head. It has been there since October.


I'm actually tired of this whole thing already.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Research... research..... research

I do hope that ECT will be done this way:
........ and not this way.
I still need to learn a lot of things about ECT before making that trip. I hope Electro Boy will help me along the way.

I am really very tired already of this disorder that's running my life, I want to get rid of this NOW.
I know that its not possible to make it go away tomorrow, next week or nest month. But I am hoping to find a way to reclaim my life from this disorder.
It will not be easy, but I know I will....
...because if I won't, then I better jump off that ledge out there.

I hope to restart my column with Mindanao Times this week. The column that I write is also posted on My weekly posts will be an indicator of my mental well being.

Monday, December 05, 2005


I met my SHRINK last week. I told her about my recurring pain in the head and the ineffectivity of my medicine. She gave me a new one - Zyprexa. She said that this was the last drug on the list of mitigating measures to rein in my disorder. This drug is quite expensive for my means. P250 per 10mg tab. I am using it now, at 2.5 mg per day, slowly titrating it to 5 mg up to who knows what dose level it could go. So far, not so good.

It acts like a tranquilizer. I am really down in the morning. Down as in douwn and out. No sensible thoughts comes out of my head. I have to rethink everything I have to say. As if each word that frames a thought is a 50 pound brick that I have to lift and move into position just to make a sentence. Once the heaviness melts into the heat of the day, I become manic... and in the evening I come crashing down. Then my next drugged dose comes in, end of the day.

During my session with my PSYCHIATRIST, she told me that if this drug does not work, she would recommend me undergoing ECT or ELECTRO CONVULSIVE THERAPY.

I asked if this was the last option left on the table. She said that it was. I asked if this was proven to have beneficial effects. She said that Depressive persons showed very positive response towards the treatment.

I told her that I would like to have a go at it.

My decision to undergo ECT is final. I will be having the treatment towards the end of January 2006. This treatment will take me to the fringe of what I call, MY JOURNEY INTO MY DISORDER. The picture of a Nebula at the start of this blog is a fitting picture of how far my disorder has gone to disrupt my life. I am willing to go further to see to it that I regain control over my life.

From now on, this blog will serve as a record of my life. Before ECT and after ECT.

So in the coming days, you will be reading about my life before ECT. Way back into my memory banks. I will log those memories that I want to keep.

So keep on watching this blog.... as it grows.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Here ..... again

Important update: I got enrolled. I borowed money from my parents who arrived to visit me.

My Father needed his Cataracts removed. He chose to have it done here in Davao.

I have had not collected any thing from my clients and debtors that last 6 weeks. The effect of being out of circulation starting middle of October.

I'm trying hard to get my self out of this rut. But hardly.... ever. I think I'm stuck in here... until my hormones know when.

I started writing a column in Mindanao Times. My write ups came out... until I conked out in the rut of my roller coaster ride.

I have to wrap things up in the next 10 days. I need to be able to collect from my clients.
To do that, I have to complete a couple of projects.

I'll keep you posted on how things develop.

Honestly, I feel like the creature pictured above. Really.