Friday, August 24, 2007

Getting There

When I was told by the psychiatrist who went over my psychological exam that I had Manic - Depression, I really didn't understand what she meant by that. After listening to her explanation, I could hardly believe what she was saying.
It took me quite some time to accept the prsence of this disorder. I felt helpless - if I accepted it, and powerless, if I didn't.
Helpless because the disorder could not be healed by medication or any form of medical intervention.
Powerless because the I had unknowingly been gripped by the disorder for so long.
What kept me up all the time was the understanding that Me and my behavior or actions were two different entities (this is a bit hard to explain, but I hope you get the drift.)
After accepting my condition, I decided to tell people I work with and friends around me about Manic - Depression or Bipolar Disorder. Their reaction were all the same - a questioning look - "Is there such a thing as that?" followed by - "I will pray for you!" and "Use your mind and will to fight your sickness!"
Convincing them to accept the presence of Bipolar disorder is a bit tricky. Thanking them for their offer to pray for me is a bit touching. Accepting and doing their suggestion to use my mind and will to fight the disorder is really something else.
Some people I know go to great lengths to convince me to stop taking my medication. They tell me "Taking medicine daily is bad" for my health. Instead, they present or offer to sell me at a discounted price this or that food supplement.
I kindly thank them for their concern.

Yet deep inside, I still yearn for that period of time where I will be completely free from the grip of this dysfunction.

Enter Meditation.

Studies have shown that periodic meditation, over time, can alter the structure of the brain. Could this be "the" key to being able to free myself from this disorder.

Will I ever get to THAT condition where I will be free. I hope I will get there. Within my life time. So I can do what I have been wanting to, without medication, without getting stuck, without losing myself in a maze.

I really hope to get there. I believe meditation or deep, personal prayer will get me there.... soon.

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