From the Deep. . . into the Edge then Back Again

I went out to venture into the deep end to get myself out of the world inside my mind. The journey took me to places that really scared the shit out of me, but made me confront the forces haunting the dark corners of the inner world.

The trip back brought me to the EDGE. I then decided to step out into the Abyss, just to let things finally go and take the natural and logical end. Yet, the light of the PROMISE cast bright colors into the Abyss. I lost the motivation to take the step into darkness. I was given courage to take hold of the light given by the PROMISE.

I will in no way cast pain on my PROMISE because he is all I have got. And he is my and my Lords delight.

Back from the edge, I slowly crawled to get my bearings on the top of the reality the rest of humanity calls life. I knew off hand of tasks that had to be done and finished. The strength and energy to carry my share of the load, took quite some time to come.

When I was just about to get ready to move, I met one of my sentinels who asked me to do something some time back. This sentinel got so infuriated at me, I was asked to go on and jump off the edge & into the abyss. This was an act so unexpected from a sentinel. For sure there are reasons for that. But what ever that is, it is an excuse. Because for us who travel this path, sentinels are our only hope of ever getting back.

This time, I will have no need of one.

The pain I went through was hard to bear, but I had to endure this nightmare. I have become stronger and more determined to move on with my travels. To remind me of the pain this sentinel inflicted on me . . . I burned my self at the tip of forgetting.

So now, I move on.

Super Duper Dumpster

i have not blogged for so long. i was on an extended manic mode. i got involved in nice projects. i really enjoyed working. then suddenly - BANG. i'm right smack on a very deep depression now.

i find it so hard to work. i can't stay on the laptop long enough. i have been crying for so many nights now. i feel so anxious and scared. i really don't know why, but i feel so scared.

earlier this year i blogged about a map to get through episodes and accomplish things i wanted to do, and reach my goals. some where along the way, i lost the map, and lost myself too. i really do not know what to do now.

i will let this dark cloud pass over me. i just hope this darkness will move over soon. the longer it stays, the more tempting it is for me to move towards the dark.

HELP!

In the Dumps with Super Severe Head Pains.

It's been so long since I have written on this blog. I had been quite busy with my work. I was able to work out a routine that would take me on a journey to free me from my chains.

I had everything going for me. I was meeting my deadlines. I was achieving my goals. Life was never better.

Then . . . . I ended in the dumps again.

I have this sever head pain that has stopped me on my tracks. I can't find a way to work around this pain. It is just so painful, I have thought of just ending everything.

Right now, it seems to be the most logical thing to do. I don't want to have anything like this ever again. The only way to ensure that happens is for me to step out of this life and move on to the next.

NO MATTER WHAT! This pain is really unbearable now!

Working & Depression

It is so hard to imagine working - productively - while going through an episode of BIPOLAR Depression. Honestly, the last 20 years of my life became a trial and error horror for me because of this.

The details of that can wait. What is important now is - How to be productive at work while going through BIPOLAR Depression.

Getting diagnosed is the most important step before one can manage working while going through BIPOLAR Depression. Accepting ones condition is the next step.

Getting over those two hurdles takes some time actually, and is actually no joke at all.

I got diagnosed 4 years ago. My condition cost me my marraige, and I kept moving from one job to another.

I now work for myself. Managing my Depression is therefore very important for me. Being productive is vital to my existence. If I don't work, won't get paid. I somehow lost more than a fair share of contract because I failed to manage my Depression.

This time, I have learned to take charge of my life and be productive even when I am depressed.

I slice my work into small chunks of do tasks. I attach time frames to these tasks. I see to it each task is broken down into two hour chunks. I give full concentration to the small task I need to complete. After completion of that small task I take a break. This break can last up to 3 hours. Then I tackle the next task on the list. I see to it I am able to do 3 to 4 tasks each 24 hour period.

In between tasks I insert mundane chores like desk cleaning or floor sweeping or checking of my email or expense recording. This way, I am still able to accomplish office maintenance work. During these breaks I either listen to music or watch news on TV. I also see to it I am AWAKE through out the break.

I avoid napping or just sitting down like these were infectious diseases. If I get bored, I resort to sketching or body stretching.

I get energized during the breaks. Which gives me momentum to continue on to the next task.

I did not have this system before. Now that I have installed this BIPOLAR Depression Work management plan, I am able to finish my work.

I hope to reap the benefits of this system 8 months from now.

Spending & Bipolar Depression

Bipolar Depression is triggered by runaway hormones. Responding to the sad feeling comes in different ways. The most common reaction is to stay home and wallow in self-pity and anger.

Another way of reacting is to contrive ways to feel good. This is where spending comes in. Usually this spending leads to binging on food, drinks and having a good time - in an effort to drive away the sadness and bad feelings.

But the sadness and bad feelings never go away. Instead, they stay and grow bigger.

I have been through this. I always end up losing all my money during these moments. Which leads me into debt. I end up borrowing money from any one. Nevertheless, I am able to borrow money and pay the money back. But it took me time to repay.

To avoid runaway spending I made a spending budget. The details in this budget are divided into monthly and weekly expenses. I also set aside a monthly savings goal.

My monthly budget cover utility payments, food & groceries and medical expenses. The weekly budget covers transportation, communications.

I know that there are other things I have to cover in my budget. I have not included them for now. I realize I need to keep my life as simple as possible.

I keep a detailed record of all my earnings and expenses and savings. I do this every evening.

I see to it my spending follows my budget. Not following the budget gives me feedback I am off track. Today, even the urge to spend outside my set budget serves as an automatic feedback to me something is wrong. Since I live alone, this mechanism gives me instant feedback about my mood status.

This may seem hard to overcome. But I realized the perception is far from the truth. Managing my financial situation is actually very easy.

I find it easy to manage my self now because of the goals I have set for myself. The desire to make these goals come true and live my dreams are more powerful than the grip BIPOLAR Disorder has had on my life.

Reaching this point in my life was not easy. I find myself in a much better place now than where I was before. In fact I can say with confidence now - I WILL BE WHERE I WANT TO BE!

What that is, is for me to keep and share later when I am there already. By the end of this year, I will be able to share to you the map. I am still in the process of verifying its accuracy.

Personal Finance and Bipolar Depression Management

This past week was really tough for me. I went through a minor Depression episode. Meaning, I felt weak and lethargic, I wanted to sleep all the time, keeping my concentration on work was very hard, and I had unexpalinable back pains.

Sticking to the routine I put in place got me through the week. Work was slow, nevertheless I got my work done.

Personal Finance is an area I need to work on next. I was able to stick to my budget, but the funds I had was a little bit short to get through the week.

The incoming week will be quite a challenge. I have 2 out of town trips and a very important dinner meeting to attend. I need to prepare for the trips and the meeting financially.

I still have to sit down and prepare my budget for next week. This will be challenging indeed.
Managing Bipolar Depression and Personal Finances are the two most challenging aspects in my life. I am now given the chance to deal with both together. The coming week will be a dry run on how I will manage Finances and Depression.

My life is one nice challenge after all.

Sleeping and Bipolar Depression

Sleeping and Bipolar Depression have very strong links. For me, feeling sleepy all the time and wanting to keep on sleeping is a sign of the onset of depression. When one spends a lot of time sleeping, the sense of accomplishment and achievement simply disappears. Uncontrolled sleep results in a lot of undone or unaccomplished chores and work, which leads the way to a downward spiral of negativism which expands depressive feelings.

Arresting this deep seated desire to keep on sleeping is very challenging. Bipolar Depression is in fact so hard get away from and carry around.

Experience has taught me to keep to my routine. I implement specific adjustments to my routine.

Usually I feel weak and my body is so heavy to carry around. So I tend to start my day slow. But I keep focusing my mind on getting something - no matter how small - done. From that small accomplishment I get a short REWARDING burst of Accomplishment I use to move on to the next chore.

I drive away that Drowsy dreamy feeling with a mug of Hot Coffee and quick exercise movements. I actually force myself to do this. Then I take a hot bath or shower.

This tactic took me quite some time to put together. Sticking to a routine and going through that routine is an important strategy.

Placing that sleepy feeling on stand by mode is very important. This allows me to get to work mode, allowing me to accomplish tasks I have set for the day. While working I listen to music that brings happy thoughts, keeping me awake. I also see to it my breathing is brought into my awareness. The rhythm breathing brings into conscious thought keeps me awake and in touch with the ideas in my head.

This process I am presenting now may seem hard. Installing it inside my head and using it for the past 4 weeks or so has brought wonders. Using the process is almost unconscious for me now.

Dealing with my Bipolar Depression in this manner has helped me gain more control over my life these days.

Depression Management

Getting DEPRESSED for no reason at all is part of being Bipolar.

I used to stay home and get paranoid, paralyzed by fear of sounds outside my house, accomplishing nothing at all. These episodes could take at least 3 days to 3 months. Life became one living hell for me. What I lost along the way has left deep scars inside me. But those scars have healed and here I am now, living life differently.

I am going through a minor depression now.

I feel tired, with unexplainable body pains all over. I get scared inside every time I hear sounds out side my house. To top it all, I don't feel like doing anything at all. Staring at the ceiling seems to be the best thing to do, with curtians drawn down to block the sunlight out.

This time though I have changed directions.

I see to it I get at least 8 hours of sleep and rest. Meaning I don't do anything at all, except close my eyes. I my mind starts to wander, I go into meditation mode - I count my breathing cycles, and focus my mind on the flow of air in and out my lungs.

Every time my mind wanders off, I bring it back to counting my breathe. Before long, I realize I am fully awake and had been asleep. When I wake up, I check how long I have been in bed. If my stay in bed is less than 8 hours, I keep my self in bed by going back to meditation mode.

When it is time to wake up, I "force" myself through the routine I have established.

• yoga stretching and exercise
• room cleaning
• cooking my meal and enjoying it
• bathing and personal care
• then work

I see to it I eat 3 times every 24 hour period. It is important to realize a BIPOLAR persons daily cycle is much different from the normal persons cycle. For BIPOLARs Day and Night only means the availability of light and darkness. The energy to work and interact with other persons is not governed by the usual day and night concept of normal people.

Getting work done in a DEPRESSED Mode can be herculean. What I do is to cut down my work into small part, then I spread these parts into several time periods. Sometimes simple tasks would take me days to do. A clear example is doing a report that is at least 10 pages long.

This will take me a week to finish, with a lot of cramming in the last day with out management. I can finish this now in 3 days at most. The first day, I do my research and initial outline. Then on the second day I do a preliminary draft - half of it within the first 3 hours of starting, and the last half, towards the end of my day. I take a 3 to 4 hour rest in between. On the 4th day I review and evaluate what I had done. Sometimes I get this funny feeling my work is sloppy. I just let it be.

I actually feel it's better to have something than have nothing at all.

There are time when I need to get out of the house to attend client meetings, which usually take up 5 to 8 hours.

I prepare for these meetings the day before. I write down what I have to say and try to anticipate what will happen during the meeting. During the meeting, when things turn out different from what I have anticipated, I keep quiet and keep notes. When things turn out the way I foresee things, I join the discussions based on the script I have prepared.

This is so awkward I know. But when one is depressed, we either say something totally wrong or end up combative and so negative about what is being discussed.

So keeping notes and keeping track of what everyone is saying - using pen & paper - keeps me in the loop.

And part of Depression management is taking medication. I'll discuss depression medication in a later post.

Another aspect that needs full awareness during a DEPRESSION Episode is MONEY. Spending has this magical effect of lifting ones mood, achieving this seemingly artificial sense of happiness.

So when depression sets in, keep your money and ATM and Credit Cards away from you.

This is all for now.