Bipolar Aha! Moment

I have been on a roll the past few weeks. I accomplished most of my work.

But right now, I have a major problem. Somethings wrong with my Laptops Operating System.
It won't boot up to show the Windows Desktop. A pop up comes out telling me that explorer.exe has a problem and a report needs to be sent to Microsoft so they will know. And then I'm left hanging.

To be able to use my laptop, I have to retrieve the task manager, so I can run an application by browsing to its folder and requesting the taskmanager to run the application. This way, I am able to open application I need to use.

This experience has taught me how to reach inside my brain when the usual OS does not work. All I have to do is reach into the taskmanager inside my head and request it to run the softwate I need for the moment, the next hour or the whole day.

This is really life changing for me. . . . a confirmation that my strategy of installing mental software and an Operating System that could carry these new software was the right thing to do.

I'll have to bring my laptop to a laptop shrink though. I need to be able to use this laptop the usual way.

I'll do that after I wake up.

Managing Bipolar Depression

I have learned how to manage BIPOLAR Depression. The past 3 weeks I have been going through a fairly strong depression, yet I am on track with my work and I am accomplishing my goals.

I have learned that sticking to an established routine helps a lot. The biggest boost I have had the last 3 weeks is learning how to divide huge blocks of work into manageable pieces and accomplishing each piece one at a time by focusing my thoughts in getting it done. Once done, the sense of accomplishment gives me an energy boost.

I have also learned to be careful with events and situations appearing out of nowhere that disrupt the flow of the established routine. These disruptions tend to mess up with the flow.

Finding a way to get back to the routine may seem quite hard at first. But, getting back on meeting set goals can help a lot.

Make sure Work goals and tasks and routines are written so there is always a reminder on what to do next.

Working & Depression

It is so hard to imagine working - productively - while going through an episode of BIPOLAR Depression. Honestly, the last 20 years of my life became a trial and error horror for me because of this.

The details of that can wait. What is important now is - How to be productive at work while going through BIPOLAR Depression.

Getting diagnosed is the most important step before one can manage working while going through BIPOLAR Depression. Accepting ones condition is the next step.

Getting over those two hurdles takes some time actually, and is actually no joke at all.

I got diagnosed 4 years ago. My condition cost me my marraige, and I kept moving from one job to another.

I now work for myself. Managing my Depression is therefore very important for me. Being productive is vital to my existence. If I don't work, won't get paid. I somehow lost more than a fair share of contract because I failed to manage my Depression.

This time, I have learned to take charge of my life and be productive even when I am depressed.

I slice my work into small chunks of do tasks. I attach time frames to these tasks. I see to it each task is broken down into two hour chunks. I give full concentration to the small task I need to complete. After completion of that small task I take a break. This break can last up to 3 hours. Then I tackle the next task on the list. I see to it I am able to do 3 to 4 tasks each 24 hour period.

In between tasks I insert mundane chores like desk cleaning or floor sweeping or checking of my email or expense recording. This way, I am still able to accomplish office maintenance work. During these breaks I either listen to music or watch news on TV. I also see to it I am AWAKE through out the break.

I avoid napping or just sitting down like these were infectious diseases. If I get bored, I resort to sketching or body stretching.

I get energized during the breaks. Which gives me momentum to continue on to the next task.

I did not have this system before. Now that I have installed this BIPOLAR Depression Work management plan, I am able to finish my work.

I hope to reap the benefits of this system 8 months from now.

Spending & Bipolar Depression

Bipolar Depression is triggered by runaway hormones. Responding to the sad feeling comes in different ways. The most common reaction is to stay home and wallow in self-pity and anger.

Another way of reacting is to contrive ways to feel good. This is where spending comes in. Usually this spending leads to binging on food, drinks and having a good time - in an effort to drive away the sadness and bad feelings.

But the sadness and bad feelings never go away. Instead, they stay and grow bigger.

I have been through this. I always end up losing all my money during these moments. Which leads me into debt. I end up borrowing money from any one. Nevertheless, I am able to borrow money and pay the money back. But it took me time to repay.

To avoid runaway spending I made a spending budget. The details in this budget are divided into monthly and weekly expenses. I also set aside a monthly savings goal.

My monthly budget cover utility payments, food & groceries and medical expenses. The weekly budget covers transportation, communications.

I know that there are other things I have to cover in my budget. I have not included them for now. I realize I need to keep my life as simple as possible.

I keep a detailed record of all my earnings and expenses and savings. I do this every evening.

I see to it my spending follows my budget. Not following the budget gives me feedback I am off track. Today, even the urge to spend outside my set budget serves as an automatic feedback to me something is wrong. Since I live alone, this mechanism gives me instant feedback about my mood status.

This may seem hard to overcome. But I realized the perception is far from the truth. Managing my financial situation is actually very easy.

I find it easy to manage my self now because of the goals I have set for myself. The desire to make these goals come true and live my dreams are more powerful than the grip BIPOLAR Disorder has had on my life.

Reaching this point in my life was not easy. I find myself in a much better place now than where I was before. In fact I can say with confidence now - I WILL BE WHERE I WANT TO BE!

What that is, is for me to keep and share later when I am there already. By the end of this year, I will be able to share to you the map. I am still in the process of verifying its accuracy.

Sleeping and Bipolar Depression

Sleeping and Bipolar Depression have very strong links. For me, feeling sleepy all the time and wanting to keep on sleeping is a sign of the onset of depression. When one spends a lot of time sleeping, the sense of accomplishment and achievement simply disappears. Uncontrolled sleep results in a lot of undone or unaccomplished chores and work, which leads the way to a downward spiral of negativism which expands depressive feelings.

Arresting this deep seated desire to keep on sleeping is very challenging. Bipolar Depression is in fact so hard get away from and carry around.

Experience has taught me to keep to my routine. I implement specific adjustments to my routine.

Usually I feel weak and my body is so heavy to carry around. So I tend to start my day slow. But I keep focusing my mind on getting something - no matter how small - done. From that small accomplishment I get a short REWARDING burst of Accomplishment I use to move on to the next chore.

I drive away that Drowsy dreamy feeling with a mug of Hot Coffee and quick exercise movements. I actually force myself to do this. Then I take a hot bath or shower.

This tactic took me quite some time to put together. Sticking to a routine and going through that routine is an important strategy.

Placing that sleepy feeling on stand by mode is very important. This allows me to get to work mode, allowing me to accomplish tasks I have set for the day. While working I listen to music that brings happy thoughts, keeping me awake. I also see to it my breathing is brought into my awareness. The rhythm breathing brings into conscious thought keeps me awake and in touch with the ideas in my head.

This process I am presenting now may seem hard. Installing it inside my head and using it for the past 4 weeks or so has brought wonders. Using the process is almost unconscious for me now.

Dealing with my Bipolar Depression in this manner has helped me gain more control over my life these days.

Depression Management

Getting DEPRESSED for no reason at all is part of being Bipolar.

I used to stay home and get paranoid, paralyzed by fear of sounds outside my house, accomplishing nothing at all. These episodes could take at least 3 days to 3 months. Life became one living hell for me. What I lost along the way has left deep scars inside me. But those scars have healed and here I am now, living life differently.

I am going through a minor depression now.

I feel tired, with unexplainable body pains all over. I get scared inside every time I hear sounds out side my house. To top it all, I don't feel like doing anything at all. Staring at the ceiling seems to be the best thing to do, with curtians drawn down to block the sunlight out.

This time though I have changed directions.

I see to it I get at least 8 hours of sleep and rest. Meaning I don't do anything at all, except close my eyes. I my mind starts to wander, I go into meditation mode - I count my breathing cycles, and focus my mind on the flow of air in and out my lungs.

Every time my mind wanders off, I bring it back to counting my breathe. Before long, I realize I am fully awake and had been asleep. When I wake up, I check how long I have been in bed. If my stay in bed is less than 8 hours, I keep my self in bed by going back to meditation mode.

When it is time to wake up, I "force" myself through the routine I have established.

• yoga stretching and exercise
• room cleaning
• cooking my meal and enjoying it
• bathing and personal care
• then work

I see to it I eat 3 times every 24 hour period. It is important to realize a BIPOLAR persons daily cycle is much different from the normal persons cycle. For BIPOLARs Day and Night only means the availability of light and darkness. The energy to work and interact with other persons is not governed by the usual day and night concept of normal people.

Getting work done in a DEPRESSED Mode can be herculean. What I do is to cut down my work into small part, then I spread these parts into several time periods. Sometimes simple tasks would take me days to do. A clear example is doing a report that is at least 10 pages long.

This will take me a week to finish, with a lot of cramming in the last day with out management. I can finish this now in 3 days at most. The first day, I do my research and initial outline. Then on the second day I do a preliminary draft - half of it within the first 3 hours of starting, and the last half, towards the end of my day. I take a 3 to 4 hour rest in between. On the 4th day I review and evaluate what I had done. Sometimes I get this funny feeling my work is sloppy. I just let it be.

I actually feel it's better to have something than have nothing at all.

There are time when I need to get out of the house to attend client meetings, which usually take up 5 to 8 hours.

I prepare for these meetings the day before. I write down what I have to say and try to anticipate what will happen during the meeting. During the meeting, when things turn out different from what I have anticipated, I keep quiet and keep notes. When things turn out the way I foresee things, I join the discussions based on the script I have prepared.

This is so awkward I know. But when one is depressed, we either say something totally wrong or end up combative and so negative about what is being discussed.

So keeping notes and keeping track of what everyone is saying - using pen & paper - keeps me in the loop.

And part of Depression management is taking medication. I'll discuss depression medication in a later post.

Another aspect that needs full awareness during a DEPRESSION Episode is MONEY. Spending has this magical effect of lifting ones mood, achieving this seemingly artificial sense of happiness.

So when depression sets in, keep your money and ATM and Credit Cards away from you.

This is all for now.

Managing Life and Writing a Book

Our lives are lived one day at a time. What you do with each day adds up quickly to determine how you live your life.

I have known the statements above for quite a long time now. In fact, it seems I have known them since I was a kid. So I tried to make make my life conform to my goals and ambitions. Funny things was, no one told me I had this brain disorder called Manic-Depression, and that some how, this disorder was actually controlling my whole life, without me or any one else out here knowing.

It took 37 years of my life before I got diagnosed. After so many errors and a lot of deep wounds and scars. I now live alone and I strive to support my self, and manage my life on my own.

The last 3 weeks of my life has been about getting hold of my life, and gaining control. It has been a hard three weeks. Very hard actually. But I know I am on my way to regaining control.

These are the first few steps I took to regain control of my life:
1. Accept the reality of the disorders' presence.
2. Learn as much as possible about the disorder
3. Inform people about the presence of the disorder in you

As I moved on with my life, I realized there were still other things I had to do to regain control of my life. This realization came to me just a few months ago, around 4 years after I got diagnosed.

These were the additional steps I realized I had to take to regain control of my life:
1. Always step back and see life from a "better" stand point.
2. I have a choice over my emotions and mental state, even if my feelings are out of whack.
3. How others view me and their opinions about me is not me. I know who I am and what I can be.
4. Stick to a time and finance budget. Even if I have to become a control freak
5. Keep a record of each day.

All of these may seem so complicated and hard to do. But that's just how it is to be able to manage a Bipolar Life.

All of these realizations have encouraged me to put my whole life in writing. And that's what I will do. Writing a book about my life will be a major project I will undertake this year.

Yoga Stretch! Nice and refreshing...

I started my exercise routine today. I chose YOGA STRETCHING to loosen up my back. I had a hard time doing the routine on the right known as Adho Mukha Svanasana. I grabbed the photo on the right from a blog of an Overseas Filipino Worker based in Singapore.

I had a very hard time keeping the soles of my fee flat on the floor. I will work on this slowly. Hopefully in a few weeks I will be able to restore suppleness in my body.

I'm new to YOGA, so I have to do a lot of research about this discipline on the net. I chose YOGA due to its meditative nature, and the benefecial effect of restoring balance in the body. I hope to be able to reap the benefits from YOGA.

This is just the start. I spent around 10 minutes doing the routine, yet I sweat profusely and I felt my whole back loosen up and relax, as if I had my back massaged for an hour.

It took me quite some time to reach this way point on my mental map.

Bipolar Disorder is like a Coin - it has Two Sides

BIPOLAR Disorder has two inextricably linked manifestations - Mania and Depression. Both the extreme end of the other. One has to recognize the presence of a continuum that exists between both.

I have lived with these extremes. The days I spend between these poles are brief passages of time, compared to the weeks and months I live in the poles of this disorder imposed on me.

I hope to be able to describe to you later what it is to live inside the spectrum of this disorder.

4 weeks ago, during the Holidays, I spent time to read the book written by Garret Loporto The Da Vinci Method. Loporto presents within the pages of the book a tantalizing promise to those who are ADD/ADHD and Bipolars. He posits in the book the theory that Leonardo Da Vinci's genius resides within those who are afflicted with ADD/ADHD and Bipolar Disorder. The book is an easy read and is inspiring at best. Loporto focuses on the Energetic manifestation or mania of the "artist". He emphasizes in the book that this large store of energy can be harnessed towards higher levels of achievement in life. Levels of success comparable to those successful men he lists as present day Da Vinci's. Those who are unable to harness this energy are labeled as "neurotic artists". All they have to do is to apply the method he presents in the book.

Towards the end of the book Loporto reveals that the absence of a method is the method itself.

What the book fails to reveal and present is the nightmare the "neurotic artist" goes through when the other side - depression - dominates. The book is silent on how to deal with the depression and paranoia the "artist" goes through.

The absence of this very vital detail may be intentional or part of the revelation - the absence of a method is THE method. The book gives false hopes to those who suffer the conditions Bipolar Disorder imposes on a person.

The book offers a glimmer of hope since the reader is taught how to harness ones Manic Phase. But is sorely lacking on how to deal with the other extreme.

I have made it my purpose to fill this gap, so Depression - no matter how extreme - can be managed.