From the Deep. . . into the Edge then Back Again

I went out to venture into the deep end to get myself out of the world inside my mind. The journey took me to places that really scared the shit out of me, but made me confront the forces haunting the dark corners of the inner world.

The trip back brought me to the EDGE. I then decided to step out into the Abyss, just to let things finally go and take the natural and logical end. Yet, the light of the PROMISE cast bright colors into the Abyss. I lost the motivation to take the step into darkness. I was given courage to take hold of the light given by the PROMISE.

I will in no way cast pain on my PROMISE because he is all I have got. And he is my and my Lords delight.

Back from the edge, I slowly crawled to get my bearings on the top of the reality the rest of humanity calls life. I knew off hand of tasks that had to be done and finished. The strength and energy to carry my share of the load, took quite some time to come.

When I was just about to get ready to move, I met one of my sentinels who asked me to do something some time back. This sentinel got so infuriated at me, I was asked to go on and jump off the edge & into the abyss. This was an act so unexpected from a sentinel. For sure there are reasons for that. But what ever that is, it is an excuse. Because for us who travel this path, sentinels are our only hope of ever getting back.

This time, I will have no need of one.

The pain I went through was hard to bear, but I had to endure this nightmare. I have become stronger and more determined to move on with my travels. To remind me of the pain this sentinel inflicted on me . . . I burned my self at the tip of forgetting.

So now, I move on.

To Stand . . . then Walk

The effort needed to rise up after a fall is full of pain. Staying down seems better than getting up. Exerting effort to rise up again takes time, and sometimes one lacks the needed strength to rise and keep standing. Staying down becomes THE comfortable choice.

To rise up and stand means to take the next logical step - to move and walk. To get engaged with the world around. Which can be really scary.

Feeling so alone can make a person choose to stay down. To stand up and face the world again can be full of pain. Loneliness magnifies the pain and makes wounds heal longer, if ever it heals.

You may say that these are just excuses. These are NOT! These are real causes why a lot of people choose to stay down.

To summon the strength to stand up and walk is in itself a triumph of the human will. A testament of a persons determination to stare life in the eye and the courage of the spirit within to withstand the storms of life.

Life is about falling and standing up just one more time, learning to walk, then run and perhaps fly. I can dream of soaring up high in the clouds, or running with the wind, or just taking a leisurely walk at a beach at the evening of my life. At that time each bright star in the dark sky will celebrate every moment I decided to rise up, stand and choose to take that step again.

. . . .and it won't matter if I'm alone.

To Stand . . . again

I have been in the dumps before. Always have. Every year the same thing happens. I was hoping this year would be different. Sadly, no. The only consolation I have now, is my awareness and determination to stand up once again. Plus the realization to plan better and look way ahead.

This blog is about me coping with Bipolar Disorder and how the disorder affects me so much. I know I have to change my point of view about my life by changing how I think about my life and the presence of Bipolar Disorder.

I have passed by the abbys already. I have reached the edge of the opposite banks. Once again I find myself crawling on my knees, weak and struggling, finding it hard to summon the strength to stand up. But I know, this time, I will stand up and walk . . . . and then do what I have not done before . . . RUN WITH THE WIND . . . and FLY to realize my dreams.

Life is too short to be spent in the dumps. Each day to precious to waste ruminating on the past. Each moment so fleeting to be wasted on regrets.

I shall create moments of Joy and Laughter with every breath. Then so shall my life be a CELEBRATION!

On Cruise Control

I am HAPPY to declare that I have regained control of my life 80%. The only part of my life that needs to be moderated is spending. I am getting there.

I was able to land a VERY, as in VERY HUGE project. This project is my Graduation Marker - from hormone driven, wasting away loser - to someone who has full control of life choices and decision making.

This is just so awesome. I am still pondering on how to document this new project online.

I will be able to make a decision within the day about this project.

Bipolar Aha! Moment

I have been on a roll the past few weeks. I accomplished most of my work.

But right now, I have a major problem. Somethings wrong with my Laptops Operating System.
It won't boot up to show the Windows Desktop. A pop up comes out telling me that explorer.exe has a problem and a report needs to be sent to Microsoft so they will know. And then I'm left hanging.

To be able to use my laptop, I have to retrieve the task manager, so I can run an application by browsing to its folder and requesting the taskmanager to run the application. This way, I am able to open application I need to use.

This experience has taught me how to reach inside my brain when the usual OS does not work. All I have to do is reach into the taskmanager inside my head and request it to run the softwate I need for the moment, the next hour or the whole day.

This is really life changing for me. . . . a confirmation that my strategy of installing mental software and an Operating System that could carry these new software was the right thing to do.

I'll have to bring my laptop to a laptop shrink though. I need to be able to use this laptop the usual way.

I'll do that after I wake up.

Working & Depression

It is so hard to imagine working - productively - while going through an episode of BIPOLAR Depression. Honestly, the last 20 years of my life became a trial and error horror for me because of this.

The details of that can wait. What is important now is - How to be productive at work while going through BIPOLAR Depression.

Getting diagnosed is the most important step before one can manage working while going through BIPOLAR Depression. Accepting ones condition is the next step.

Getting over those two hurdles takes some time actually, and is actually no joke at all.

I got diagnosed 4 years ago. My condition cost me my marraige, and I kept moving from one job to another.

I now work for myself. Managing my Depression is therefore very important for me. Being productive is vital to my existence. If I don't work, won't get paid. I somehow lost more than a fair share of contract because I failed to manage my Depression.

This time, I have learned to take charge of my life and be productive even when I am depressed.

I slice my work into small chunks of do tasks. I attach time frames to these tasks. I see to it each task is broken down into two hour chunks. I give full concentration to the small task I need to complete. After completion of that small task I take a break. This break can last up to 3 hours. Then I tackle the next task on the list. I see to it I am able to do 3 to 4 tasks each 24 hour period.

In between tasks I insert mundane chores like desk cleaning or floor sweeping or checking of my email or expense recording. This way, I am still able to accomplish office maintenance work. During these breaks I either listen to music or watch news on TV. I also see to it I am AWAKE through out the break.

I avoid napping or just sitting down like these were infectious diseases. If I get bored, I resort to sketching or body stretching.

I get energized during the breaks. Which gives me momentum to continue on to the next task.

I did not have this system before. Now that I have installed this BIPOLAR Depression Work management plan, I am able to finish my work.

I hope to reap the benefits of this system 8 months from now.

Spending & Bipolar Depression

Bipolar Depression is triggered by runaway hormones. Responding to the sad feeling comes in different ways. The most common reaction is to stay home and wallow in self-pity and anger.

Another way of reacting is to contrive ways to feel good. This is where spending comes in. Usually this spending leads to binging on food, drinks and having a good time - in an effort to drive away the sadness and bad feelings.

But the sadness and bad feelings never go away. Instead, they stay and grow bigger.

I have been through this. I always end up losing all my money during these moments. Which leads me into debt. I end up borrowing money from any one. Nevertheless, I am able to borrow money and pay the money back. But it took me time to repay.

To avoid runaway spending I made a spending budget. The details in this budget are divided into monthly and weekly expenses. I also set aside a monthly savings goal.

My monthly budget cover utility payments, food & groceries and medical expenses. The weekly budget covers transportation, communications.

I know that there are other things I have to cover in my budget. I have not included them for now. I realize I need to keep my life as simple as possible.

I keep a detailed record of all my earnings and expenses and savings. I do this every evening.

I see to it my spending follows my budget. Not following the budget gives me feedback I am off track. Today, even the urge to spend outside my set budget serves as an automatic feedback to me something is wrong. Since I live alone, this mechanism gives me instant feedback about my mood status.

This may seem hard to overcome. But I realized the perception is far from the truth. Managing my financial situation is actually very easy.

I find it easy to manage my self now because of the goals I have set for myself. The desire to make these goals come true and live my dreams are more powerful than the grip BIPOLAR Disorder has had on my life.

Reaching this point in my life was not easy. I find myself in a much better place now than where I was before. In fact I can say with confidence now - I WILL BE WHERE I WANT TO BE!

What that is, is for me to keep and share later when I am there already. By the end of this year, I will be able to share to you the map. I am still in the process of verifying its accuracy.

Personal Finance and Bipolar Depression Management

This past week was really tough for me. I went through a minor Depression episode. Meaning, I felt weak and lethargic, I wanted to sleep all the time, keeping my concentration on work was very hard, and I had unexpalinable back pains.

Sticking to the routine I put in place got me through the week. Work was slow, nevertheless I got my work done.

Personal Finance is an area I need to work on next. I was able to stick to my budget, but the funds I had was a little bit short to get through the week.

The incoming week will be quite a challenge. I have 2 out of town trips and a very important dinner meeting to attend. I need to prepare for the trips and the meeting financially.

I still have to sit down and prepare my budget for next week. This will be challenging indeed.
Managing Bipolar Depression and Personal Finances are the two most challenging aspects in my life. I am now given the chance to deal with both together. The coming week will be a dry run on how I will manage Finances and Depression.

My life is one nice challenge after all.

Sleeping and Bipolar Depression

Sleeping and Bipolar Depression have very strong links. For me, feeling sleepy all the time and wanting to keep on sleeping is a sign of the onset of depression. When one spends a lot of time sleeping, the sense of accomplishment and achievement simply disappears. Uncontrolled sleep results in a lot of undone or unaccomplished chores and work, which leads the way to a downward spiral of negativism which expands depressive feelings.

Arresting this deep seated desire to keep on sleeping is very challenging. Bipolar Depression is in fact so hard get away from and carry around.

Experience has taught me to keep to my routine. I implement specific adjustments to my routine.

Usually I feel weak and my body is so heavy to carry around. So I tend to start my day slow. But I keep focusing my mind on getting something - no matter how small - done. From that small accomplishment I get a short REWARDING burst of Accomplishment I use to move on to the next chore.

I drive away that Drowsy dreamy feeling with a mug of Hot Coffee and quick exercise movements. I actually force myself to do this. Then I take a hot bath or shower.

This tactic took me quite some time to put together. Sticking to a routine and going through that routine is an important strategy.

Placing that sleepy feeling on stand by mode is very important. This allows me to get to work mode, allowing me to accomplish tasks I have set for the day. While working I listen to music that brings happy thoughts, keeping me awake. I also see to it my breathing is brought into my awareness. The rhythm breathing brings into conscious thought keeps me awake and in touch with the ideas in my head.

This process I am presenting now may seem hard. Installing it inside my head and using it for the past 4 weeks or so has brought wonders. Using the process is almost unconscious for me now.

Dealing with my Bipolar Depression in this manner has helped me gain more control over my life these days.

Depression Management

Getting DEPRESSED for no reason at all is part of being Bipolar.

I used to stay home and get paranoid, paralyzed by fear of sounds outside my house, accomplishing nothing at all. These episodes could take at least 3 days to 3 months. Life became one living hell for me. What I lost along the way has left deep scars inside me. But those scars have healed and here I am now, living life differently.

I am going through a minor depression now.

I feel tired, with unexplainable body pains all over. I get scared inside every time I hear sounds out side my house. To top it all, I don't feel like doing anything at all. Staring at the ceiling seems to be the best thing to do, with curtians drawn down to block the sunlight out.

This time though I have changed directions.

I see to it I get at least 8 hours of sleep and rest. Meaning I don't do anything at all, except close my eyes. I my mind starts to wander, I go into meditation mode - I count my breathing cycles, and focus my mind on the flow of air in and out my lungs.

Every time my mind wanders off, I bring it back to counting my breathe. Before long, I realize I am fully awake and had been asleep. When I wake up, I check how long I have been in bed. If my stay in bed is less than 8 hours, I keep my self in bed by going back to meditation mode.

When it is time to wake up, I "force" myself through the routine I have established.

• yoga stretching and exercise
• room cleaning
• cooking my meal and enjoying it
• bathing and personal care
• then work

I see to it I eat 3 times every 24 hour period. It is important to realize a BIPOLAR persons daily cycle is much different from the normal persons cycle. For BIPOLARs Day and Night only means the availability of light and darkness. The energy to work and interact with other persons is not governed by the usual day and night concept of normal people.

Getting work done in a DEPRESSED Mode can be herculean. What I do is to cut down my work into small part, then I spread these parts into several time periods. Sometimes simple tasks would take me days to do. A clear example is doing a report that is at least 10 pages long.

This will take me a week to finish, with a lot of cramming in the last day with out management. I can finish this now in 3 days at most. The first day, I do my research and initial outline. Then on the second day I do a preliminary draft - half of it within the first 3 hours of starting, and the last half, towards the end of my day. I take a 3 to 4 hour rest in between. On the 4th day I review and evaluate what I had done. Sometimes I get this funny feeling my work is sloppy. I just let it be.

I actually feel it's better to have something than have nothing at all.

There are time when I need to get out of the house to attend client meetings, which usually take up 5 to 8 hours.

I prepare for these meetings the day before. I write down what I have to say and try to anticipate what will happen during the meeting. During the meeting, when things turn out different from what I have anticipated, I keep quiet and keep notes. When things turn out the way I foresee things, I join the discussions based on the script I have prepared.

This is so awkward I know. But when one is depressed, we either say something totally wrong or end up combative and so negative about what is being discussed.

So keeping notes and keeping track of what everyone is saying - using pen & paper - keeps me in the loop.

And part of Depression management is taking medication. I'll discuss depression medication in a later post.

Another aspect that needs full awareness during a DEPRESSION Episode is MONEY. Spending has this magical effect of lifting ones mood, achieving this seemingly artificial sense of happiness.

So when depression sets in, keep your money and ATM and Credit Cards away from you.

This is all for now.

Routines dampen Depression

Feeling bad and sad is one thing, getting Depressed is another. Today, I felt a bit slow and depressed. I had no reason at all to feel bad or sad. This gave me the opportunity to test my plan on how to minimize Bipolar Disorder induced Depression.

I actually slept late last night - almost 3 a.m. already. I make it a point to sleep or stay in bed for 8 hours straight. My phone rang 6 hours after I went to bed, I had to answer the call, but I stayed in bed for another 2 hours, just to make sure my body was properly rested.

Bipolar Depression gets worse when one is not properly rested. But the length of time to rest needs to be properly monitored. I made it a point to get out of bed after 8 hours of sleep and rest so I would be able to accomplish something for the day.

When I got out of bed, I had my exercise routine. I still had a hard time stretching my back and lower legs and tendons. The needle like pain in my lower legs and tendons were a bit bearable now. I was sweating profusely in the middle of my first set. This time I was able to do 2 sets.

After a spartan breakfast, I focused on getting my work done - which was actually very minimal. Then I spent the rest of the day evaluating my finances and my work flow.

I am more stable now compared to last year. I can control my depression and therefore I can get things done. The rest of the day went through just fine. I have 2 new possible projects in the horizon.

From my experience, it is important to establish a routine and to set a flow of things that need to be done for the day. Following this flow gives me control over my moods and structure allows me to get things done.

I have used this strategy for only a few days, I still do not know how to use it in the event my creative abilities are impaired. I have a plan though. So I am looking forward to the incoming STUCK UP episode so I can see if my plan will work.

I will start working on the BIPOLAR Pinoy blog tomorrow.

Managing Life and Writing a Book

Our lives are lived one day at a time. What you do with each day adds up quickly to determine how you live your life.

I have known the statements above for quite a long time now. In fact, it seems I have known them since I was a kid. So I tried to make make my life conform to my goals and ambitions. Funny things was, no one told me I had this brain disorder called Manic-Depression, and that some how, this disorder was actually controlling my whole life, without me or any one else out here knowing.

It took 37 years of my life before I got diagnosed. After so many errors and a lot of deep wounds and scars. I now live alone and I strive to support my self, and manage my life on my own.

The last 3 weeks of my life has been about getting hold of my life, and gaining control. It has been a hard three weeks. Very hard actually. But I know I am on my way to regaining control.

These are the first few steps I took to regain control of my life:
1. Accept the reality of the disorders' presence.
2. Learn as much as possible about the disorder
3. Inform people about the presence of the disorder in you

As I moved on with my life, I realized there were still other things I had to do to regain control of my life. This realization came to me just a few months ago, around 4 years after I got diagnosed.

These were the additional steps I realized I had to take to regain control of my life:
1. Always step back and see life from a "better" stand point.
2. I have a choice over my emotions and mental state, even if my feelings are out of whack.
3. How others view me and their opinions about me is not me. I know who I am and what I can be.
4. Stick to a time and finance budget. Even if I have to become a control freak
5. Keep a record of each day.

All of these may seem so complicated and hard to do. But that's just how it is to be able to manage a Bipolar Life.

All of these realizations have encouraged me to put my whole life in writing. And that's what I will do. Writing a book about my life will be a major project I will undertake this year.

Yoga Stretch! Nice and refreshing...

I started my exercise routine today. I chose YOGA STRETCHING to loosen up my back. I had a hard time doing the routine on the right known as Adho Mukha Svanasana. I grabbed the photo on the right from a blog of an Overseas Filipino Worker based in Singapore.

I had a very hard time keeping the soles of my fee flat on the floor. I will work on this slowly. Hopefully in a few weeks I will be able to restore suppleness in my body.

I'm new to YOGA, so I have to do a lot of research about this discipline on the net. I chose YOGA due to its meditative nature, and the benefecial effect of restoring balance in the body. I hope to be able to reap the benefits from YOGA.

This is just the start. I spent around 10 minutes doing the routine, yet I sweat profusely and I felt my whole back loosen up and relax, as if I had my back massaged for an hour.

It took me quite some time to reach this way point on my mental map.

Almost at the other side .....

January has come to an end. I spent the first two weeks of the month on vacation in my home place in Dumaguete City. During the holidays I took time to read two books - The Da Vinci Method by Garret La Porto and Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament by Kay Redfield Jamison. These two books had a very profound impact on my understanding about my bipolar disorder. During the time I spent on vacation, I shifted my life paradigm based on what I learned from both books and what I have experienced dealing with this disorder. I can sense my paradigm shift is beginning to pay off. I just can't write about it now.

During the break, I also decided to strike off a few clients of mine who I realized was just taking me for a ride. They were succeeding on their projects at my expense. I decided to pursue my own path and start my own journey to success.

When I came back to Davao City, I did just that. I returned clients documents and started out on my own.

This Saturday I start with my own training workshop on Environmental Planning a.k.a Urban Planning in Digos City, Davao del Sur, and hopefully a housing project or two in the Davao del Sur area.

I have prepared for these projects mentally. I know deep inside I can move ahead on my own initiative.

Time is on my side. I only have to wait for things to fall in place. There is no need to rush. I am prepared for this already.

Feruary will be a fabulous month for me.

Up and Manic... again!

I am still awake, and it's past mid-night. I conditioned myself to sleep before 10p.m. every night for the last 3 weeks. Tonight I blew it. I watched TV after dinner while waiting for my Masseur. He didn't arrive. It was raining at around 9p.m. Then I lost track of time. I got focused on the TV.

I also overslept today. I was planning to go to church, but woke up at around 11a.m already. Ate a late brekfast, then went back to bed, then woke up late in the afternoon to cut the grass in the front yard. Cleaning the yard was exhilirating. Seeing the place trimmed and cut after 30 minutes of grass cutting made me feel nice inside. I rewarded myself with a mug of coffee, and sat at the terrace to watch neighbors pass by.

I am ready for the upcoming work this week. I have enough work in my hands. I'll be going to Matanao, Davao del Sur to check up on a housing project tomorro till Tuesday, then I'll be going back on Saturday for a training orientation and a meeting for another housing project.

This coming week will start off my work for 2008. It's already past mid-January. It's alright with me. I'm on schedule.

I just have some checking to do with my mental map and software. I need to tweak a bit my Mental Operating System so my software gets in sync with my map. This may sound so vague and egregious for you. I will find time to explain this mumbo jumbo within a week. PROMISE.

I know I am moving towards mania. Within a month or less this can turn into a full blown manic episode. I am actually looking forward that so I can test my software. So take time to watch this blog.

I will be posting at least 4 times a week to chronicle this new journey of mine.

Getting set . . . to GO!

I arrived from my vacation at dawn today. That was one nice vacation. I'll keep the details to myself why that vacation was a nice one. I just hope the results of what happened during my vacation will slowly unwrap in the next few months. Hopefully by the middle of this year I will be able to explain in detail what happened to me during the last three weeks I was away on vacation.

When I arrived, I decided to clean my bedroom and my refrigerator. I will clean the rest of the house tomorrow. I have a bundle of clothes to wash. I realize that cleaning is such a Spiritual Exercise. It's like cleaning your subconsious of grime and dust and cobwebs.

I also bought food today. Healthy, fresh, envigorating food. No more preserved foodstuff in cans and pouches. This way I can feed my body with nourishing nutrients.

I mya have started working this year a bit late. January's almost over, and I still have no projects committed for the next months. I just have a collectibles out there. So I have to hang in tight and find a way to start my next project.

This coming week will indeed be a challenge for me.

I have installed my Monitors. I had a paranoia attack around mid-day today. I dispensed with it by telling myself there were more important things to achieve than being scared about something that's not really there at all.

I also noticed that I have this energetic feeling now. I am aware I have to be careful with this energy. My monitors kept warning me to keep myself on the level.

All of these used to take out my strength. Now, I feel much better and in charge! Really! There are many more things I look forward to trying in the next few days.

Life is getting fun. . . . . . and I am READY TO RUN!

On the Starting Block.... again!

Well, I have been here before. So there's no reason for me to feel uncomfortable. In fact I am so familiar with this feeling, my brain seems to like it. (I have this funny feeling inside that this is the reason why I always end up stuck....., so I can go back to start).

I have negotiated with myself to finish what I am starting now. (I can't explain yet how negotiating with your self is done.) So the end result of this process will show whether the negotiations succeeded or not.

I'll be going back to Davao in a few days. I still have less than a hand full of days left here in Dumaguete. Ample time to get my new gears going. What ever these new gears are and will be still remains to be seen.

I actually have a lot of stuff to put in writing. I need to put them here. So just wait for the next installments.

As an overview, these are:
1. Installing New Mental Maps
2. Acquiring New Mental Sotware
3. Upgrading my Brains Operating System.

Ain't that list interesting?

These are the reasons why I'm on the Starting Block again.

Till next post.... take care.

Plus I'll share with you my take on a couple of books I read ove the holidays. These books are awesome.

Standing Up... with hope against this Madness

I am on the go again, after that very disconcerting episode with depression.

I am trying to normalize my life. I hope this long holiday will give me the opportunity to imprint a new mental map and habits that I can use to minimize or all together eliminate the impact of depression in my life.

I am aware that I have a lot of work to do in this aspect.

I actually don't care how much work it will take. I will prevail upon this madness that has taken control of my life.

So far, I have finished one major task I listed to do.

I still have more ahead of me, but the most imortant one that I have to undertake is an assessment of myself, so I can properly plot out a strategy to mitigate the impact of my Depressive Phase.

I find this part exciting. I hope to be ready with this "management plan" by New Year.

No, it won' definitely be a set of New Year's Resolutions. It will be the unMethod to the madness that has gripped and characterized my whole life so far.

I have no other option but to succeed.... because I must, and should succeed.

Going on a Holiday

I will be going on a holiday for the next 3 to 4 weeks.

I hope to be able to install a new pattern of habits and mental maps inside my head.

I still have to work out the details.

I will be traveling alone by bus and boat for the next 36 hours to visit my parents.

I hope that by the time I get back to working mode in the New Year, I will be able to install and use the new patterns and mental maps.

Moving on

I am at starting the uphill climb out of my depression. It was such a deep, yet short one. Short but it was so damned BAD. I almost went over the edge.

This climb will be quite steep and hard. No problem though. I have the long holidays up ahead.

I will be on vacation mode for 3 to 4 weeks.

I had a long talk with my doctor yesterday. I shared to her my insights about my condition and my awareness that there is very scant knowledge about BIPOLAR DISORDER in the Philippines. I am very sure - 100% - that there are others out there who suffer the same way as I do and are not aware about their condition.

I really know that they and the ones whol care and love them are going through a very hard time trying to understand and consider things. With out awareness, only God can help them.... which they could lose after a while. It will take large doses of FAITH and TRUST in God to survive the disorder.

I have decided to speak out and tell others about this disorder. I hope and pray I will be given the chance to tell others about it and educate as many as I can.

.... so I can keep moving on and reach my goals.