Really so messed up

I am so messed up. I have been living like a hermit for almost three weeks now.

i am scared to go out of the house. I am afraid of people passing by my house. My mind keeps on with this internal dialogue of failure and quitting and SUICIDE.

I know that this is driven by my hormones. But I just don't have the strength to stop what's going on inside my head. My head aches like crazy. I actually feel like killing myself right now.

This is really a bad time for this to happen. It's Christmas. It's supposed to be a happy time. I really do not know what's going on inside this head of mine.

I don't know how to get out of this rut. I really hope 2008 will be a better year for me. This year was really nuts for me. So nuts, I'm half way to the nut house just right now.

Is there any one out there who can help me and take me out of this ratty brain of mine?
If there is, then please lend me a hand.

..... i might just snap and let GO.

On the Wall

I feel like I hit a wall real hard. Suddenly I feel so rotten deep inside. I have been taking my meds.

It probably is the beer - Red Horse and San Mig Light I have been drinking the past 3 nights. I'll abstain from drinking for a while.....

I have controlled by coffee intake. I'm now down to 3 to 5 cups a day.

My head no longer hurts. It's my back that's really aching now. My nape sometimes tenses up. I can feel the muscles snap.

Ahhhhrghhhh! Anyway, I'm still on my wave.